Bits and Pieces

A couple of weeks ago, my college hosted a writing marathon.  I and three of my good friends formed a group that went to each of four different assigned locations around campus, and we would write for fifteen minutes at each spot.  At the end of the fifteen minutes, we would share whatever we wrote with each other- raw and unedited.  It was a lot of fun and reminded me of how much I love to write.  I actually liked a couple of the things I wrote, so I wanted to share them here.  I have not edited them at all since that day, so they cut off kind of awkwardly since I was under a time limit.  But I think, sometimes, raw and unedited is best.

This first one is about the five stages of grief, since I found myself going through them after a disappointment that I experienced about a month ago.  Though I was deeply hurt by what had happened, I didn't feel that I was really justified in being as upset as I was.  I was feeling very upset and confused, and this messy poem spilled out.

They say there are five stages of grief, but no one says when you are allowed to go through them-

Does someone have to die? Should your heart be completely broken?

Or can you just be really disappointed, devastated over words unspoken?

I don't think there's a limit to when hurt is allowed to set in,

Or an absolute moment when those five stages are justified to begin.

Some feel more than others, some feel less-

Sometimes a great capacity to love can lead to great unrest.

It all comes down to what you do with yourself

When you're lost, or hurt, or needing of help.

So where do you go when those stages begin?

This next paragraph is just a flow of thoughts.  I was sitting at the end of the bridge which crosses over "knee-deep," the pretty but murky lake on campus.  It was supposed to be an inspiring location, but I was questioning that.  My pen moved quickly across the paper, forming these words:

What even is inspiration?  Why should one thing inspire anymore than another?  Should a beautiful fountain, with its constance and flow, be any more significant than a tiny bug that floats around, defying gravity with its every move?  I think inspiration is just another word for appreciation.  Maybe if we were to more fully appreciate the beauty in things, we wouldn't struggle so much to be inspired.  Because, really, what is more inspiring than that new breath that you just took?  That breath that made your heart keep beating, your brain keep thinking, the blood in your veins keep moving?  I've heard people say to be inspired by even the simple things, and maybe I've even said that myself.  But looking around, I see nothing truly simple, and I don't think I ever have.  So, maybe, instead of being so desperate for inspiration, and prompts to the imagination, we should appreciate it all- breathe in, there you go, and think about that breath.  That's all the inspiration you need.

Everything Beautiful.

It's been a rough October.

For me, this month began with high hopes that were crushed rather quickly.  I have been dealing with heartache, school stress, betrayal, and worry.  I'm not going to sit here and say I've stayed positive through all of this- I haven't.  For weeks, I've been just trying to get by without losing my mind or failing any exams, and that's been just about all I could handle.

As the month comes to a close, though, I'm starting to be okay again.  As the season has transitioned from scorching summer to breezy, beautiful autumn, I have moved into a new season of my life as well.  I've made several decisions in the past few weeks that have drastically changed the direction of my path- but I know that it's all for the best.  I fully believe that God has been steering me in this direction for a long time, preparing me sufficiently before calling me to make these decisions.  Isn't it cool how God does that?  There are so many struggles that I've gone through this year that I did not understand the purpose of at all, and now everything is coming together beautifully.  As my favorite verse, Ecclesiastes 3:11, says: "[God] has made everything beautiful in its time."  And so, while I'll admit that the stress has been painful and almost unbearable at times, I am glad for the ways that I have grown through it.

As I move along this path that now heads in a new, exciting direction, I don't want to miss a single moment of what God has for me.  I know I say things to that effect a lot, but to me, it seems I cannot express my excitement about God's plan enough.  When I think about the fact that He is constantly working, without sleeping, and bringing things together for the good of those who love Him, my heart swells with a joy that can only come from the Lord of all creation.

In the back of my mind, I always expect that there will soon come a point when things stop changing, and growing up will be boring instead of so wonderfully exciting.  But you know, with a God like mine, I don't think that will ever happen.  He is constantly revealing more of His infinite coolness.

How has God revealed his "coolness" to you lately?

Brave.

I've always thought it would be cool to be brave.

I don't really know when I stopped wishing I was brave and just was.  I don't have a sob story in which I'm the heroine- honestly, I'm probably just more obnoxiously determined than anything.  I think it occurred to me one day that if I started something, by my very nature I would finish it; therefore, all I needed to be brave enough to do was take the first step.  Say the first word.  Hit the first note.  When I realized that, my world opened up and I became a little bit brave.

I try to do something brave as often as I can.  It's not usually anything too big- I just like saying things that people normally wouldn't, and doing things that I used to be too scared to do.  Last night I did something like that. I changed my major from New Media & Communications, which I've never been completely satisfied with, to Music.

I've wanted to major in music since I was nine years old.  That's always been the dream, ever since I knew what college was.  For as long as I can remember, music has been as necessary to me as breathing.  But as I grew older, I started getting practical.  I started looking at degree programs that would help me get a job, rather than allow me to study something I truly love.  It took over a year of college and 4 major changes, but I've finally landed where I want to be, and where I truly believe that God has always been leading me.  

Now, I know what you're thinking.  So go ahead, ask the question.  I'm ready for it.

"Oh, you're majoring in music... so whatcha gonna do with that?"

I have one answer for you.  It's an answer that has had me grinning all morning, with a joy in my heart that I don't think I've ever had before.  Judge me for it, I don't care.  But here's my answer: 

"Love it."