Irrevocably.

I've been told all my life that God loves me.
Yeah, I'm that girl.  The one who grew up in church and asked Jesus to live in her heart at the ripe age of four years old.  I've had my fights with doubt, impatience, temptation, and obedience just like anyone else.  But one thing I never struggled with was God's love.  Even when my faith in God would waver, I knew one thing- if there was a God, whoever He was loved me very much.  Blessed assurance-  I've always had it.

It took me nineteen years to realize that God loves me in so many ways that He truly can fill every longing in my heart.  All this time, I've been calling Him "Master," "Savior," "Father," "King."  I am so very thankful that He is all of these things.  But do you see a common theme?  All of these names carry the connotation of power over a helpless individual.  He is indeed all-powerful, and I am indeed helpless outside of His strength.  I realized today, though, that I have been so wrapped up in how unworthy I am of His love and mercy that I have been unwilling to truly accept His passionate love.  I accepted only the love of a good Master to a slave, a glorious Savior to a trapped victim, a kind Father to a child, a merciful King to a peasant.  Those are great loves.  They've kept me in awe and will continue to do so forever.  God is the Author of every love, though, and He has even more to offer than what I had realized before.

"When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" 
-Hosea 2:16 (NLT)

This is the Lord's promise to unfaithful Israel.  This is a promise that the Lord, in all His beautiful glory, made because He is Love itself.

It has never occurred to me that God could fill even that place in my heart that longs desperately for the love of a husband to a wife.  It was only by divine revelation that I realized the beautiful truth that as I mature, my God is able, and wants, to fill every desperate longing of this young woman's heart.  The Lord is completely, passionately, irrevocably in love with those who accept His grace and fall into His merciful arms.

I am so unworthy.  I fall short of His glory by my very nature.  But I am learning now to accept the ardent and unfailing love that He has to offer now that He has washed me clean of my sins.

"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain.  My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

~Isaiah 54:10~

Bits and Pieces

A couple of weeks ago, my college hosted a writing marathon.  I and three of my good friends formed a group that went to each of four different assigned locations around campus, and we would write for fifteen minutes at each spot.  At the end of the fifteen minutes, we would share whatever we wrote with each other- raw and unedited.  It was a lot of fun and reminded me of how much I love to write.  I actually liked a couple of the things I wrote, so I wanted to share them here.  I have not edited them at all since that day, so they cut off kind of awkwardly since I was under a time limit.  But I think, sometimes, raw and unedited is best.

This first one is about the five stages of grief, since I found myself going through them after a disappointment that I experienced about a month ago.  Though I was deeply hurt by what had happened, I didn't feel that I was really justified in being as upset as I was.  I was feeling very upset and confused, and this messy poem spilled out.

They say there are five stages of grief, but no one says when you are allowed to go through them-

Does someone have to die? Should your heart be completely broken?

Or can you just be really disappointed, devastated over words unspoken?

I don't think there's a limit to when hurt is allowed to set in,

Or an absolute moment when those five stages are justified to begin.

Some feel more than others, some feel less-

Sometimes a great capacity to love can lead to great unrest.

It all comes down to what you do with yourself

When you're lost, or hurt, or needing of help.

So where do you go when those stages begin?

This next paragraph is just a flow of thoughts.  I was sitting at the end of the bridge which crosses over "knee-deep," the pretty but murky lake on campus.  It was supposed to be an inspiring location, but I was questioning that.  My pen moved quickly across the paper, forming these words:

What even is inspiration?  Why should one thing inspire anymore than another?  Should a beautiful fountain, with its constance and flow, be any more significant than a tiny bug that floats around, defying gravity with its every move?  I think inspiration is just another word for appreciation.  Maybe if we were to more fully appreciate the beauty in things, we wouldn't struggle so much to be inspired.  Because, really, what is more inspiring than that new breath that you just took?  That breath that made your heart keep beating, your brain keep thinking, the blood in your veins keep moving?  I've heard people say to be inspired by even the simple things, and maybe I've even said that myself.  But looking around, I see nothing truly simple, and I don't think I ever have.  So, maybe, instead of being so desperate for inspiration, and prompts to the imagination, we should appreciate it all- breathe in, there you go, and think about that breath.  That's all the inspiration you need.

Everything Beautiful.

It's been a rough October.

For me, this month began with high hopes that were crushed rather quickly.  I have been dealing with heartache, school stress, betrayal, and worry.  I'm not going to sit here and say I've stayed positive through all of this- I haven't.  For weeks, I've been just trying to get by without losing my mind or failing any exams, and that's been just about all I could handle.

As the month comes to a close, though, I'm starting to be okay again.  As the season has transitioned from scorching summer to breezy, beautiful autumn, I have moved into a new season of my life as well.  I've made several decisions in the past few weeks that have drastically changed the direction of my path- but I know that it's all for the best.  I fully believe that God has been steering me in this direction for a long time, preparing me sufficiently before calling me to make these decisions.  Isn't it cool how God does that?  There are so many struggles that I've gone through this year that I did not understand the purpose of at all, and now everything is coming together beautifully.  As my favorite verse, Ecclesiastes 3:11, says: "[God] has made everything beautiful in its time."  And so, while I'll admit that the stress has been painful and almost unbearable at times, I am glad for the ways that I have grown through it.

As I move along this path that now heads in a new, exciting direction, I don't want to miss a single moment of what God has for me.  I know I say things to that effect a lot, but to me, it seems I cannot express my excitement about God's plan enough.  When I think about the fact that He is constantly working, without sleeping, and bringing things together for the good of those who love Him, my heart swells with a joy that can only come from the Lord of all creation.

In the back of my mind, I always expect that there will soon come a point when things stop changing, and growing up will be boring instead of so wonderfully exciting.  But you know, with a God like mine, I don't think that will ever happen.  He is constantly revealing more of His infinite coolness.

How has God revealed his "coolness" to you lately?