When My Fear Is Crippling

Last week, I stood behind the doors of the music rehearsal hall at my school, shifting my weight from right to left, wringing my hands, fighting the urge to run away.

The day before, I wasn't even nervous.  I was just supposed to perform this piece that I've played a thousand times for a few students and faculty.  No big deal.  Then, an hour before the recital, my piano instructor told me, with that slightly evil grin of his, "We moved you to the end of the program.  You're the big finish."

Oh no.  Ohhhh no.  Here it comes.  Pressure.  Oh no.  I cannot do this.

As I walked through the doors of the rehearsal hall to that beautiful grand piano, my choir director whispered, "Be bold.  It IS the Revolutionary, after all!"

Ohhhh no.

I sat down at the piano and placed my fingers on the keys, took a deep breath, and played Chopin's Revolutionary Etude.  Well, people say that I did.  If you ask me, I hit a lot of keys really fast and managed to hit the right ones most of the time.  The whole piece is a blur.  I grinned widely as I bowed afterward- not because I was proud of how I had played, but because I was so glad to be done.  The thing that I do remember-very clearly- is how violently my hands, and even the foot that I pedal with, were shaking through the whole piece.  My mind was blank, I could barely see straight... I had lost all control.

I've been struggling with fear a lot lately, especially when it comes to music.  Pursuing a career in music is a fairly recent thing for me, and it is scary.  When music was a hobby- although, really, it was always more than that to me- expectations were lower.  The fact that I could play anything by Chopin was enough.  The fact that I could sing on key was enough.  Now, I am around extremely talented musicians all the time who challenge me to be much better than just "enough."  Growing constantly as an artist, and working tirelessly to develop my gift, is not optional.  It's scary.

A similar fear overtook me a few days ago when I stood at the keyboard at my church, waiting to start the next song.  Even the idea of making a mistake paralyzed me- which, really, makes a mess-up much more likely to happen.  Then, God told me something.

You're putting way too much faith in your own abilities.

Well, I couldn't argue.  If I am trusting in my own ability to do anything, I absolutely should be afraid. I am nothing without the strength of God.
And if I am trusting in God's ability, well, fear is probably the silliest feeling I could have.

Surrendering to God is not just a daily thing- it's a constant thing.  I can testify, though, that nothing but good can come from that surrender.  You can hear the evidence of that whenever I play or sing- because, seriously, those aren't my abilities.  It's all God.  He gave me the gift of music, yes, but He is constantly reminding me that it is not my own.

I have found myself fearing much more than just playing the wrong note lately, but I believe that this truth transcends to every area of life.  Fear is a warning sign that I'm putting my faith in the wrong place.  From this moment forward, I want to be alert to that warning sign and fix it when it flashes.

The Lord is my light and my salvation-

    so why should I be afraid?

The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,

    so why should I tremble?

{Psalm 27:1}

For the Restless Soul

Today is Easter Sunday.  I can clearly hear birds chirping outside, and a couple of hours ago there was a torrential downpour that lasted all of ten minutes.  My clock currently reads 7:15pm, but a glance out my window tells me that it is still bright outside.  You know what all of this means?  Spring is finally here.

Spring is my favorite season.  Everything is so new- the blooming flowers, the green leaves, the songs that the baby birds learn to sing. 
Everything is changing.

No matter how much I love spring, I always feel a little sad at the beginning of a new season.  As the weather changes and everything in nature responds accordingly, the passing of time is undeniable. As much as I wish I could find a pause button sometimes, there is no way to stop the world from turning.  With every new breath I take, I am a little bit older.  What am I doing with my life?

Right now, I am in a period of waiting.  Patience.  I know that I am moving to a new school, but that's months away.  I know that I am called to be a worship leader, but I need to learn a lot more about music before I can lead a band.  I yearn to get married and start a family of my own.  I want desperately to be a better musician.  The list goes on.  There are so many things that I want to do with my life that I have to patiently work towards and wait for.  Honestly, it's frustrating.  God has placed all of these desires in my heart so that I will diligently pursue them, but when I am not able to act on these callings yet, I feel like I am not doing what God has purposed for me to do.  It's very unsettling, and I'm restless.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
- Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

Sometimes, it's that simple.  The desire that I have for those things that I listed before is burning in my heart with a passion that is almost painful.  I know that God will provide opportunities for me to have them in His perfect timing.  Right now, while I wait, all I have to do is delight myself in Him.  It's that simple. 

He will guide me.  He will care for me.  He loves me.  
What's not to delight in? 

Inhale, exhale.  Seek the peace of God.  Delight yourself in the Lord. 
"Life is worth the living just because He lives."

When I say, "I'm a Christian."

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my Light, my Strength, my Song.

My church has been going through a series called "Christian" for the past few weeks, and the words of Pastor Andy Stanley have caused me to question what it truly means to be a Christian.  To be honest, I thought I had that one down.  After all, I have been calling myself a Christian since I was four years old.  I should probably know by now what I mean when I say it.

The truth is that I've always had a tendency to rely on God more than Jesus.  Now, before you call me blasphemous or think I'm ignorant for being a Christian all these years and not knowing that God and Jesus are one and the same, just hear me out.

I grew up learning about the Trinity: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  I have complete faith that each part is wholly God and, in some way that surpasses my understanding, they are separate as well as the same.  However, in my mind, I separate them more than I should, and the Father is the one I go to.  I don't know why, but I am able to grasp the idea of the love of the Father much more than that of Jesus Christ.  In some strange way, I'm scared of my Jesus.

If that isn't brutal honesty, I don't know what is.  I accepted the salvation that Jesus offered with His death on the cross, but I've hidden my face from Him since then.  I can't believe He loves me that much.  I believe God loves me as His child, because I certainly act as a child in my immature decisions and thoughtless mistakes.  I'm in awe of His love and eternally grateful for it, but I can grasp and accept it, at least for the most part.
But to believe that Jesus loves me as a person, enough to give His life so that I can spend eternity with Him?
It's too much.

It is too much.  But let me tell you this: today, when I say, "I'm a Christian," I'm saying that I have decided to accept the extravagant gift of salvation from Jesus Christ.  Despite my weakness and my sinful nature, He has washed me clean.  I choose to follow Him. I am His disciple.
I don't deserve it, and that's why I come to the cross on my knees; and, somehow, He meets me here
    and oh, how He loves us.

"My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus' name
Christ alone, cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all."
{"Cornerstone" by Hillsong}