Leap of Faith: The Other Side

There's a river here before me
And I'm gonna cross it with strength not my own
He's gonna save me, or the river takes me.
Carry me through, Carry me through
{"Carry Me Through" by Dave Barnes}

College is hard.

Tell me something I don't know.  I'm a junior, so even though this is my first semester at GCSU, I'm not new to the whole college scene.  I know that college is hard.  I know that it never gets easier- each semester comes with more responsibility and higher expectations.  I also know that the terror that I experience when handed eight different syllabi is not a true indication of how I will feel as the semester goes on and I really start working... but even knowing all that, I cannot reason my way out of those initial feelings of pure dread.

I can't afford those books.

I won't have time for those field hours.

I don't even know how to start that project.

I'm not smart/brave/strong/good enough for this.

Cue the freak-out.  It all came together for me on Tuesday evening during my last class of the day (emphasis on during) and overwhelmed me so that I could feel my face turning its signature deep-red and tears welling up in my eyes.  My head was spinning, filled with thoughts along the lines of, God, what in the world am I doing here?  Why did You call me to this place?  I can't do this.

To be perfectly honest, those thoughts have not been completely erased from my mind.  I am very aware of the fact that my skills fall short of being even close to the same level as most of the students in this music program.  Yes, that can be both frustrating and humiliating at times, but it comes with the territory of being a musician- someone will always be better than me.  I also don't know half the stuff that many of the other music majors do, and that is intimidating.  Yes, I am anxious to learn, but do I have enough time?  Do I really have what it takes to get through this?

The answer, quite frankly, is no.  I don't have what it takes.  Though sometimes it seems that I do, I do not actually live and breathe music.  There are days when I don't practice my piano.  I am very passionate about several other things besides music, and those things take up my time. I don't even believe that's wrong- it's just part of who I am, and I know that God gave me those passions.  Becoming a famous musician is not even on my priority list.  I really just want to be a worship leader, and become all that God has created me to be in that.  I'm here at school because God has not only called me to be here, but He has also provided every way for me to stay- financially, academically, and emotionally.  I, by myself, do not have what it takes to do as well in this program as I plan to and finish with a Bachelor's degree in Music Education. However- I, with God working in, through, and for me, have everything it takes and more.  I'm going to have to army-crawl through this thing, and it's going to hurt.  I am going to be discouraged and humiliated and scared.  I am also going to learn, grow, and be hugely inspired, though, and I look forward to that.

My decision to come to Milledgeville was a blind leap of faith.  Now, I am discovering what it is that I leaped into.  It is an even harder journey than what I have walked before, but it is one that God has paved so that I will be renewed and transformed into the person He has created me to be.  It is a journey that I don't have the strength to continue, but is one that God will carry me through.

I'll praise Him all the way.

Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; 
I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10-

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