Interference.

There is nothing like living a life that has been turned upside down by God Himself.

Five months in, and 2012 has already proven itself to be a year that I'm sure will remain very clear in my memory for years to come.   There is not a doubt in my mind that God has changed me drastically for the better since the beginning of this year, but the journey to where I stand now has not been easy.  I've been broken and healed.  Indeed- God picked me up from where I was, spending too many nights crying desperately over what seemed like the end of the world, and called me into His glorious light.

I thought I had things under control.  I liked who I was.  This last semester, I took joy in the fact that I was "finding myself."  Oh, I hadn't forgotten God- I prayed, I talked about Him, I went to Bible studies, I led worship.  I hadn't turned my back on Him at all...but I guess I'd say I was holding Him at a distance.  I was letting Him into only certain spaces of myself.

As if I have the power to hold God anywhere.
As if I have the ability to let Him do anything.

I could take each month of this year, maybe even each week, and tell you something different that God taught me.  Some of the lessons were easy, some were just reminders.  A few were revelations that resulted in noticeable changes in my behavior.  I learned of God's love for me, of His divine plan.  I was reminded that people will always let me down, while He remains constant and good.  I was struck with the realization that I am enough for God, that I am His beautiful child.  He filled me with a kind of joy that I have never had before.

In one of my Bible studies, my small group has been talking about what it is to have a life in which God is constantly interfering.  This isn't a new concept to me, but it hit me hard all the same.  I knew, the first week that we began this study, that the ground on which I stood was about to be shaken.  Despite all of those amazing lessons that God taught me over these past several months, I knew I was not giving my life to God so that it could be consumed.  It's a daily thing- that surrender to His hand- and I knew I wasn't doing it.  And for that reason, I was scared from day one of our study of Not a Fan (by Kyle Idleman).  I knew God was about to remind me what it is to be a follower of Him, and I was not ready to give up my "control."

It took a couple of weeks to really get to me.  God has been speaking to me, and I've been listening, but now I have finally begun to obey.  I have stopped trying to keep Him within limits, only allowed to move in the certain parts of my life.  That power is not mine.  Instead, I'm surrendering my life, desiring that He interfere just like I know He will, and already has.  I've finally realized that I cannot follow Christ with only certain parts of my heart- it's all of me, or nothing.  As I type this truth, I'm smiling, because there is nothing so wonderful as giving Christ what is already His: ALL OF ME.

I'm done finding myself.  Instead, Christ has revealed Himself to me- and my Lord is the only thing worth seeking.  He has taken all of my discontentment, all of my heartbreak, all of my insecurities, and filled me instead with His overwhelming joy.

I could go on forever.  But instead, I'll summarize by saying this:  There is nothing so beautiful as being broken and then healed by His perfect hand.  There is nothing so wonderful as being called a child of God.  As the Lord said, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." -Isaiah 43:1

The struggle makes us hunger.

Every day, I learn something about God.
Sometimes, it's a review of a previous lesson- that constant realization that He's in control, that He is constant, that He never fails.  But then there are days that He reveals more of Himself to me- and while that part of Him has always existed, unchanging, it is new and glorious to me. 
I think the most awesome thing that I have learned, and that I continue learning every day, is the omnipresence of God.  He is everywhere: every situation, every trial, every triumph.  In each new second that is given to me, I encounter something new.  There are moments- that sometimes turn into days, weeks, even months- in which I doubt that God will stay with me.  Every time, I learn that He will.  He is everywhere, He is all-powerful, and He will help me through each new moment.

A hunger aching in my very soul

A fire raging, uncontrolled

His eternity I cannot comprehend

What could it be to have no end?

He is greater than the widest sea

Yet He pours His love into the least of me

No sin could hold me anymore

No pain or sorrow or fearful war

My God is greater than the strongest of these

And His mercy meets me on my knees

No fault too ugly, no sin too dark

It was to conquer these, that nails left their mark

On the hands of my Savior, covered in blood

It is only through Him that we rise above

“Victory is ours!” We’ll joyfully scream

As we stand before God, forever redeemed.

-Aly Samantha-

Welcoming 2012.

To talk about this year, and what it has been for me...where do I even begin?

I might dare to say that I have never been through so many changes in one year in my life. The girl that I am today hardly recognizes the girl that I was on this day in 2010. A lot more has changed than just the way I dress and the kind of music that I like.  God has absolutely turned my life around, and changed me from the inside out.

On December 19, 2010, I rededicated my life to the Lord.  I didn't tell many people- everyone already knew that I was a Christian.  I grew up in church, I've always loved God, and I knew what it was to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  But on that day, that relationship took on a new meaning.  The fact that His Grace had saved me finally hit home.  The Freedom I have in Him, and yet the duty that I have to Him as my Lord, meshed into something that I was, and am, completely in awe of.  I won't forget that night, when I silently bowed my head and told my God that I repented, and that I loved Him, and that from that moment on I would serve Him.

It was on that foot that I started the new year.  And for that reason, it started out well.  Judging from my journal entries, I'd say the spiritual high lasted until just after the new year.  Then, Satan's attacks started to affect me a bit more.

So began the roller coaster that we called 2011.  On January 1, 2011, I was about to enter my last semester of high school.  Tomorrow, January 1, 2012, I will be preparing for my second semester of college.  This year, I turned 18- finally an adult.  I discovered my love for writing, and embraced my passion for music even more.  I lost friends, made incredible new friends, and developed better relationships with some of the people that I have known for years.  I learned more about the person that God has chosen me to be.  I settled on a career decision that makes me happier than I ever thought I could be.  I started going to a new church that is such a blessing to me that it warms my heart to even think of it. 

My God never changed, not once.  Maybe what I learned more than anything this year is how constant He is.  He is the same loving, merciful, righteous, and powerful God today as he was yesterday and will be tomorrow.  That truth never changes. 

This year has been one of the hardest of my life.  There have been times that I found myself in a mess that I had no clue how to clean up.  But, looking back, this year has also been one of the best.  It was this year that I found myself.  It was this year that I found what it truly is to have joy, freedom, and love in Jesus Christ my Lord.  I made a lot of mistakes this year, and did things I am not proud of.  God always forgave me, and never stopped loving me.  He has the power to make me new- to wash me clean of the filth that I am covered in by my sinful nature, and to create in me a clean and pure heart that is perfect in His sight.  And that is what He has done.  It is with the strength that He gives me that I face 2012 with open arms. 

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

-Ecclesiastes 3:11

New Year's Resolution for 2012:

Live my life in a way that pleases my God, and serve Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

"...a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people." -Romans 2:29