Whatever it takes.

Take a break from all the plans that you have made

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Read the Word and put to test the things you've heard

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

{"Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham}

I have been long absent from blogger world.  My lack of posts for the past month and a half has been purposeful, however, instead of just lazy.  As was probably clear in my last post, I have been going through a significant revival in my life- specifically, in my relationship with God.  While this has been a beautiful thing in my life, I have to admit that it has also been hard.  I decided that I needed to take a step back from summarizing each of my life lessons into a concise essay and really apply what God is teaching me.

Once I realized just how deep I had let myself sink emotionally, I had to make the choice to begin the healing process.  I've asked God to heal me in this way before, but I guess it's always been a bit half-hearted.  Like, "God, heal me, but do it quick- and don't change anything in my life, just make me happy."  I could be wrong, but I think God let me sink a little farther into troubled waters so that I would wake up to the fact that something had to change in order for true healing to begin.

I heard the words "do whatever it takes" slipping out of my mouth during a prayer a couple of months ago and paused, panicking.  "Whatever it takes?" I thought. "No.  It will take something big to make me whole again.  So many things will have to change.  Don't do whatever it takes.  That will hurt even worse."

I paused for a moment longer.  I realized I had meant what I said the first time.

Do whatever it takes.

So far it has taken a lot of change.  Most of the change has been in myself- my attitudes, habits, thoughts, and behavior.  I had to start acting like I believe God loves me, even when I don't.  It was through this that He showed me just how much He is willing to fight for me.  He is on my side.


Acting like I believe God loves me also involved doing some things that were out of my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is writing blogs in a coffee shop, playing the piano and singing in my room.  While that's all well and good, the healing process had to involve me actively making an effort to be in situations where I could draw from others and be built up instead of stagnant or torn down.  My comfort zone is not thinking too hard about things that have hurt me in the past.  In order to heal, I have had to directly address the things that have happened to me- the breaks in my heart, the mistakes I have made, the people who have torn me down, the hurt that I have been harboring for too long- and ask God to help me to not just ignore it, but truly let it go and move on.  I've found myself stopping in my tracks, literally, and directly addressing thoughts that used to just sting for a moment before I would suppress them again.  My comfort zone is pride, the kind of pride that doesn't need God's grace.  God has been showing me the kind of humility that is in complete awe of such mercy.  My comfort zone is worrying about everything and controlling whatever I can get my hands on.  God has been teaching me to just be still sometimes, and know that He is God.

In actively pursuing God's healing, I have found so much peace.  I used to be a huge worrier, and now, for the first time, I can honestly say that that is no longer a daily struggle.  I used to be extremely insecure, but I have found a beautiful new confidence- something that is runs deep instead of temporarily resting on the surface- in this journey.  I used to be afraid of everything, but now I find strength in my God.

The journey continues, but the progress is undeniable.  There has been nothing halfway about this healing.  God has been leading me all the way to complete renewal, the kind that is nothing short of miraculous.  He knows exactly what it takes.
I did have to get up and follow Him, though.  I'm glad I did.  Please pray for me as I continue.

Praise the LORD. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.  

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

~Psalm 147:1-5~