Not the same as I once was.

It's that time again... the last day of the year.  The time when I write an extremely sentimental blog post, even though the larger part of me couldn't care less about the fact that a new year is about to begin.  Honestly, it really drives me a little bit crazy that the first day of the new year is falling right in the middle of the week.  I might just act like it isn't happening.  We'll see.

In all seriousness, though, I did take the time last night to go over all my blog posts from 2013, and I was astounded at how much I have grown in a single year.  The last sentence of my last post of 2012 was this: "My God never fails."  Quite frankly, though that was and is true, and I believed it just as much then as I do now... I had no idea how much that fact would be proven to me over the next year.  I couldn't have known- but it has surely been the most pleasant surprise.

Looking over my posts between February and March, I think God used that time to teach me a lot about trusting Him in order to prepare me for some challenges that I would face later in the year.  I wrote about my trust issues in that three-part post series that talked about just how much my life was not turning out the way I had planned it, and how glad I was for that.  God also used many people, trials, and blessings to teach me lessons in peace, patience, and even what Christianity means to me personally.  Praise God for those lessons- I am reminded of them every day.

My favorite post of the year, though, is this one: Whatever It Takes.
You see, for about six months before that post- maybe even more- I had been struggling with depression.  I praise God that I never got to the point of wanting to hurt myself physically. God has very carefully placed loving people in my life who kept me far from that place, and He has protected me.  Emotionally, though, I was in a really awful place.  My smile was either absent or barely half-hearted for months.  I was filled with worry and fear.  I was so angry.  Yes, I had days when I was okay... but my attitude, in general, was hopeless.  The crazy thing is this- I didn't even realize something was wrong. As a broken human being, I have a lot of anxious tendencies in my nature.  I just figured that was who I was- destined to broken and sad for eternity, poor little me.  (So angsty.  Thank God for change.)  I poured what little energy I had into school and relationships and I was completely drained.  But healing was on its way.

For all I know, anxiety may be something I battle for the rest of my life; however, it was this year that I fully realized that I do not fight alone.  Yes, in July 2013, I discovered the part of a relationship with Christ that means true JOY.  I can say, without a doubt, that I have never been the same since then.  God didn't just throw in some happiness to make up for my gloom.  He completely healed my broken heart.  He renewed my mind and made a beautiful thing out of the dust.  This kind of joy is eternal.  Praise the Lord.

Well, the next month, I turned twenty and moved to Milledgeville.  God's timing is truly perfect.  I have no words to describe how much my life has changed since then, and how blessed I am today.  For instance...

- I matured a lot, I think, when I had to buy my own batteries, light bulbs, and milk (I'm being completely serious).
- I learned new ways to work through stress (mostly involving prayer and my guitar).
- I totally conquered the hardest class I have ever taken in my life (*fist pump*).
- I grew so much as a musician.
- I was humbled in a lot of areas, and though it hurt, I am thankful for that.
- I learned just how far I am from perfect, and stopped being such a perfectionist (I'll leave that to God).

The biggest blessing, though, was that I met people that fit my freshly-healed heart perfectly.
The Lord has shown very special kindness to me, yes indeed.

Thank you to all who have prayed for me and stuck with me through it all.  It amazes me that I have been blessed with such incredible people in my life, both in my hometown and at my new home in Milledgeville.  I am very, very thankful.

So yeah, the new year starts tomorrow.  I am very excited for what 2014 holds... but I am also still so awestruck at what God did in me in 2013 that I want to remember it.  Tomorrow is not a fresh start to me- it is simply the next step in a very blessed journey.  I don't really have any new year's resolutions.  I just want to continue following God.  He really does know what He's doing.  I learn more of that every day, and I pray the same for you.  I leave you with these God-breathed words:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

- Lamentations 3:22-24 -

Happy New Year.

The weary world rejoices.

December 24th, you have sneaked up on me once again.

I'm always a little surprised by the arrival of the Christmas season.  For one thing, living in Georgia, the warm weather is certainly no cue.  And of course, by the time finals are over in the second week of December and I can come out of my study cave, Christmas is everywhere... and I, for one, am shocked.

Every year, I struggle a little bit with all the craziness that goes along with Christmastime.  The crazy shoppers, the impatience, the greediness... is it even worth the good times?  Well, of course it is.  My favorite part of the season is all the time I get to spend with my family, and that is especially true this year since I have missed them so much while at school.
{Also, my brother and sister-in-law are here this year.  That is a gift in and of itself.}

But what about "The Reason for the Season"?

Honestly, for a while I even struggled with that.  As someone who perceives things very literally, I was a little dismayed several years ago when I found out that Jesus was most likely born sometime in April.  It's not even His birthday.  Why are we pretending?  

Well, no matter the origins of Christmas, I believe this time of year, when it seems that everyone is suddenly talking about Jesus, is something for believers to be really excited about.  However, my prayer is that we don't stop at His birth.  What about why He came?  That's worth thinking about a little deeper, isn't it?

On Sunday morning, my pastor gave a really cool message about the different perspectives that we, as fallen human beings, can have about the birth of our Savior.  Something that he said really surprised me, and it was this: When you think you don't need a savior, he's not only resistible- he's a threat, and even a nuisance.
Boy, that really got me thinking.  As soon as he said that, my pen began to very quickly form these words on a page in my journal:


When you don't realize the danger you're in, you don't want to be saved.  
But what about when it all falls apart?  When you turn around and finally see the fire that's been chasing you all along- that maybe even has overcome you?  What happens when you're gasping for air because you've gone as far as you can on your own?  
You need a Savior.  Desperately.  Immediately.
The thing is that we're broken.  Broken people in a fallen world who don't see how desperate we are for salvation.  It would be laughable if it wasn't so true, so sad.  It'd be amusing if we weren't all drowning.  
We need a Savior.  Right now.
I'm guilty.  Could anyone even count how many times I've tried to save myself? "I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out" ...please.  I'm broken.  I am too far gone.  
I need a Savior.  His name is Jesus.

I wish a very merry Christmas to all of you.  I hope you enjoy the time spent with family, the food, the giving and receiving, and the excitement of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ (even if the timing is a little off base).  I hope the heartaches that can feel so much more painful at this time of year can be eased. But more than anything, I hope you accept the beautiful salvation that Jesus Christ came to earth and conquered death to give.  I hope you worship the One who sent grace to us all.

O, Holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
'Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine! Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night, oh night divine.

Moments.

The world is moving in slow motion today.

I've been back in my hometown for a week now, and I have almost completely recovered from the most eventful semester of my life.  Almost.  As a true nerd, I will know that my recovery has reached fruition when I actually come upon the desire to go back to school.  I'm not there yet, but I can see that day quickly approaching... even in the midst of my very real Post-Finals Week Stress Disorder (PFWSD).  

Being at home again is a little strange [and that, in itself, is a little strange because I never thought I'd say that. What's going on?].  Whenever I would go back and forth between here and my apartment during the semester, I felt as if I was switching back and forth between two completely separate realities.  The two places have very little in common outside of the fact that both are home to me now.  I never was forced to choose between them- it's as if my heart has grown to encompass all that both places have to offer.  I still feel that way; indeed, part of my heart remains in Milledgeville even while I sit here in the house where I grew up.  It's a good feeling to look forward to the day I get to go back.

Looking back at the beginning of the semester, I can hardly believe it was only four months ago.  What was life before Milledgeville?  Before living with roommates and riding a shuttle to school every day?  Before cleaning the kitchen of my own will and buying my own groceries?  Before I knew the people there?  How did I live my life without those people as my friends?  It surpasses my understanding that so much could change in 120 days.

So many memorable moments are racing around in my head as I think about my first few months at Georgia College.  Some are happy, some painful, some just funny.  All were significant, and most shaped me into who I am right now.  Here are a few:

• The moment when I realized I was on my own.  It was only a couple of hours after I had arrived at the apartment, and I was walking from my kitchen to my bedroom.  I was stunned by the fact that all I had to eat was Ramen noodles and the only way I would have something else is if I went out and bought it for myself.  Yep, that's when I knew.
• My first time at First Baptist Church, when I knew I had walked in on a group of very special people.  I was right.
• The morning that I skipped class to sleep in (don't worry, I was punished by the fact that my professor apparently brought donuts that day), then got up to turn the heater on for the first time since living there because I was freezing.  Not 30 seconds later, the smoke alarms were screaming and I was running around frantically trying to make them stop and deciding whether or not I needed to run for my life.  Apparently, this is a regular thing when you turn the heater on for the first time every year.  Now I know. 
• The moment when all the changes, stress, and fear came together in what felt an awful lot like a panic attack, and I prayed so that I could breathe.
• The first time in at least five years that I've called someone other than my mom or dad to cry.  It was one of my two roommates, who put me on speakerphone so that both could listen and talk to me and remind me that God was in control.  I won't forget that.  I'm so grateful for those two.
• My first day of classroom observation for my education class.  Since I was homeschooled from kindergarten to my high school graduation, that was my first time in a high school classroom.  I was maybe a little bit scared of mean girls. *ahem* BUT I SURVIVED
• The many moments spent laughing until I couldn't breathe, because my friend Morgan is one of the funniest people I've ever met.
• My first time playing a saxophone.  I should stick with the piano, which does not require assembly and which also does not scream at you if you play it wrong.  GOSH.
• The moment I became confident in the gifts God has given me as a musician.   

There are so many more.  It was this semester, through these moments, that I grew into who I am today.  I still have a lot to learn, and I always will.  But I am happy to say that in these four short months, I learned to have a grateful heart and enjoy the little things.  I was reminded that when I don't trust God with everything, everything falls apart.  Then I was reminded that when everything falls apart, God is still there to make it all new.  

I learned joy, grace, love... I've been made new.  I am so glad.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.

-Isaiah 43:19-

#musicmajorproblems

I think I was somewhere around eleven years old when I decided I wanted to major in music.  It just seemed the natural thing.  I loved the piano so much that it hurt, and I was good at it.  I couldn't go a day without singing, and I was good at that, too.  Bam. Music major. Done.

Well, as you all know, I changed my mind about my major more than a few times after that.  Recently, I changed it again, and I am officially a mass communications major.

I really am excited about what lies ahead in the field of mass communications.  But for one whole year, I was a music major.  Here's some of what it taught me.

• Music can make you feel a thousand different emotions at once.  If a cello solo doesn't make you cry, I really don't understand you.
• If you're not practicing, you should be.
• You can't just throw the word "classical" on any instrumental music before the twentieth century and expect not to get dirty looks from everyone in the music building.  Are you talking Renaissance? Baroque? Romantic? Symphony? Chamber music? Song without words? C'mon, people.
• Two weeks of aural skills will change the way you hear music forever.  
• Do not correct any music major concerning anything about music unless you want to get shanked.
• You thought music literature would be your easy class? Hahahahahahahahahaha
• Trust what you feel and take chances with it.  Music is art.
• Nine classes is a light load.
• Hard work does pay off.  Even five minutes of purposeful practice can make a huge difference.  Don't slack, and don't do anything halfway.  If this isn't what you love to do, don't do it.
• The most desirable superpower is perfect pitch.
• Someone will always be better than you.  Don't let that discourage you; instead, let it inspire you.
• I've heard it said, "If you love music, don't major in music."  While I don't agree, I see where this is coming from.  It's easy for music to become work.  Don't let it.  Don't forget to love it, to enjoy it.  Listen to all kinds of music.  Go to every concert you get the chance to attend.  Don't lose your passion.

It's going to be sad not to be a music major anymore, and I'm glad that I am keeping the music minor so I can keep hanging out with my musical family in the Porter lounge.  I always wanted to study abroad, but I couldn't afford it... so I'm so blessed and thankful that I got to spend a year in the land of the music majors.  Maybe I'll go back one day.

By Definition

Since registering for my first semester of college two and a half years ago, I have changed my major five times. Five.

The fifth change (Music Education to Mass Communications)  was made a couple of weeks ago during the most stressful week of the semester thus far.  Truth be told, I was a wreck.  Drowning in projects, midterms, quizzes, and the realization that it would take me until spring of 2017 to graduate with a music degree, I felt that I was one breath away from breaking.  

No matter how many times my mom told me that it didn't matter how long it would take me to graduate, I could not shake the feeling that it was not right for me to stay in school for nearly four more years for music.  I asked myself the question, "Why are you doing this?"  and the answer was this:  While it's true that I would love to teach private piano lessons and be a worship leader, neither of those roles require a degree.  I have always known that.  But oh, how much I wanted to be able to say that I was a good enough musician to get a degree in music.  Just to feed the beast- a.k.a., my pride.  I will readily admit that I often let playing music become an idol.  

Well, you know how I feel about idols.  When you see them, tear them down, rip them out, burn them to the ground, whatever it takes.  If it takes an arrow to my pride and another change of major and career path, I believe it's worth it.  It's far too easy to let an idol darken my life.

It's also too easy for me to underestimate God's plan for me.  I get it into my head that I have to be one thing- I make myself into "The girl who."  You know.  The girl who sings.  The girl who plays the piano.  The girl who makes good grades.  The girl who knows exactly what she is supposed to do.  The girl who does the right thing.  

So what happens when I hit a wrong note?  When I do poorly on a heavily-weighted midterm?  When I don't know what I want to do when I grow up?  When I make a mistake, or a hundred?  What does that make me?  The girl who fails, that's what.

That's the problem with putting your self-worth in what you can do.  It doesn't allow for a bad day.  It doesn't allow you to be human.  

This may sound crazy, but maybe- just maybe- God created each of us with more than a one-sentence definition.  Maybe we can be defined by the name He gives us, and the worth we have in Him, instead of by the labels that we place on ourselves.  Maybe He makes us more than the 160 characters that fit on our Twitter profiles.  Maybe the opinions of others have absolutely no effect whatsoever on who we are in Him.  

That's what I believe.  So yes, the truth is that I'm not the best singer or pianist or songwriter or whatever.  I don't always make good grades.  I don't know exactly what I want to do after college.  And I mess up every single day.  By the standards of this world, that might make me the girl who fails...but the standards of this world are not relevant.  

I am the daughter of the King, and by His standards, I am loved.

I am redeemed by the Savior.  I am chosen.  I have worth.  

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 
The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. 

- 1 John 3:1 -

Clear the Stage

About a year ago, I heard a song that went straight through my heart.

In the summer of 2012, I went with a group of friends to RUF Summer Conference.  There, I heard a message about idolatry that I will absolutely never forget.  Though I've grown up learning about how idols are not always golden calves, and they can really be anything that we put before God in our lives, I never gave the concept much thought until then.  I was shocked.  I had been idolizing myself, others, relationships, music, etc.  I remember feeling like I had been punched in the stomach when I realized the depth of my sin.  And for the millionth time, I was overwhelmed by the amazing grace of my Savior.

A few months after the conference is when I heard this song for the first time while studying at a coffee shop and I nearly started crying.  The convicting, biblical message in the lyrics is overwhelming. 

Over the summer, I was blessed with the awesome time of recording a cover video of this song with my friend Andrew Bradford (Bradford Productions).  Since we both share a passion for God and for using the gifts He has given us to spread His name, we were extremely pumped to work on this project.  Andrew's fiancee, Kimmy, is one of my very dearest friends, so the three of us had a blast driving all over the place to different locations to film.  Even despite the sweltering heat, annoying gnats, shockingly long church bells, etc., I believe we all loved every minute of it.  And dang, he did an awesome job!

Clear the stage, and set the sound and lights ablaze

If that's the measure you must take to crush the idols

Jerk the pews, and all the decorations, too

Until the congregation's few that have revival

Tell your friends that this is where the party ends

Until you're broken for your sin, you can't be social

Seek the Lord and wait for what He has in store

And know that great is your reward, so just be hopeful

'Cause you can sing all you want to, 

Yes you can sing all you want to

You can sing all you want to, and still get it wrong

Worship is more than a song

Take a break from all the plans that you have made

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Read the word and put to test the things you've heard

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

We must not worship something that's not even worth it

Clear the stage, make some space 

For the One who deserves it

Anything I put before my God is an idol

Anything I want with all my heart is an idol

Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol

Anything that I give all my love is an idol

{"Clear the Stage" - Ross King/Jimmy Needham}

Out of the Dust

A lot of things have changed.

I've lived in Milledgeville for two months now, although it feels like much, much longer.  When I first moved in, I remember unpacking my things and suddenly feeling like I had been punched in the stomach.  I don't want this, I remember thinking.  Why did I think I wanted this?

Those thoughts raced around in my head for a couple of weeks.  It seemed like the most unnatural thing in the world to be living in not only a different house, but an entirely different city than my parents.  I didn't know the names of any of the professors at my new school, whereas at my old one I knew of almost all of them.  I missed so many people and things about home that it was absolutely overwhelming.

I still miss home.  But now...this is home, too.

God has shown so much of His goodness to me since moving here.  It is so clear that He has been carefully preparing this time for me, and that amazes me.  He placed me in a beautiful apartment where my roommates have become two of my very best friends- godly young women who encourage me, stand by me, and make me laugh so much.  He gifted me with the confidence and the abilities to continue in a music program that is very difficult and often very hard on one's self esteem.  He blessed me with immediate friendships here so that I never feel lonely.  Perhaps best of all, twenty years ago He made me the daughter of the best parents I can imagine- two followers of Christ who love each other and their children with all their hearts, and who have provided more than enough for me emotionally, spiritually, and materially for my whole life.  He is so good.

I have also known a lot of pain since moving here.  I have been homesick.  I have made some very scary and painful changes in relationships.  I have been stressed beyond belief about school.  I have been scared of what lies ahead.  I have tripped over a lot of infamous Milledgeville sidewalks.

In the midst of pain, though, there has been so much healing.  The Father of all Creation never leaves His child to weep alone.

Looking back to only six months ago, I am in awe that I am able to say these things.  I had so little faith.  I refused to look to God for healing because I could only look inward at my own brokenness.  He truly did lift me up out of the dust.

He's not finished with me.  He's not finished with any of us.  Now, I look to the future with hope instead of fear because I have faith in the God who never leaves.

There is hope beyond the suffering, joy beyond the tears
Peace in every tragedy, love that conquers fear
I have found redemption in the blood of Christ
My body may be dying but I'll always be alive
{When My Heart Is Torn Asunder - Phil Wickham}

End It.

It has been too long since I posted about one of my hugest passions: Abolition.

You've probably heard some of the statistics.

Twenty-seven million enslaved today.  100,000 children trafficked every year in the U.S. alone.

It makes you sick, right?  So you close your eyes or turn away, because it hurts so much that you can't do anything.  I've done the same thing, and sometimes I still do.  But the truth is you can do something.  You can make it known.

Scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed today, I happened upon the video that I have included at the bottom of this post.  I have heard SO many people talk about how little good it does to raise awareness of human trafficking.  The popular opinion is that raising awareness isn't helping anyone.

But here's the thing.  If we don't know what's going on... how in the world are we going to stop it?

In today's society, prostitution is glamorized.  Watch a couple of CBS sitcoms or a typical modern comedy and that's obvious.  Men are actually encouraged to buy prostitutes, go to strip clubs, look at pornography- it's all "a part of being men," right?  That's what I've heard too many people- men and women- say.  And the prostitutes portrayed in the media seem pretty dang happy about their profession, don't they?  I've even heard many women argue that the women should be left alone to sell their bodies because that's their choice.

Let's get real.

This is one of the best videos I've seen about what really happens in the lives of the majority of prostitutes.  Be not mistaken.  The average age of entry into prostitution is 12-14 years old.  According to the definition of "average," there would have to be A LOT of children even younger than that entering prostitution.  They're not choosing it for themselves...and this video shows what motivates them to stay even when we, from the outside, think they could easily escape.  It is truly horrific.

This video also shows the healing that can come after rescue, which is amazing... but let's work towards prevention, shall we?  Let's know our facts, tell our friends, call our senators.  Do whatever it takes.

It's not glamorous.  It's a tragedy- and to bring this to an end is a war worth fighting.

Love 146

End It Movement

P.S. --  I can hear the angry comments now: "Strip clubs shouldn't be included- strippers aren't prostitutes."  Let me go ahead and say... I KNOW!  But it's the mentality of purchasing a woman's body- even if only to look at- that is the problem.  Human beings are not for sale.

Leap of Faith: The Other Side

There's a river here before me
And I'm gonna cross it with strength not my own
He's gonna save me, or the river takes me.
Carry me through, Carry me through
{"Carry Me Through" by Dave Barnes}

College is hard.

Tell me something I don't know.  I'm a junior, so even though this is my first semester at GCSU, I'm not new to the whole college scene.  I know that college is hard.  I know that it never gets easier- each semester comes with more responsibility and higher expectations.  I also know that the terror that I experience when handed eight different syllabi is not a true indication of how I will feel as the semester goes on and I really start working... but even knowing all that, I cannot reason my way out of those initial feelings of pure dread.

I can't afford those books.

I won't have time for those field hours.

I don't even know how to start that project.

I'm not smart/brave/strong/good enough for this.

Cue the freak-out.  It all came together for me on Tuesday evening during my last class of the day (emphasis on during) and overwhelmed me so that I could feel my face turning its signature deep-red and tears welling up in my eyes.  My head was spinning, filled with thoughts along the lines of, God, what in the world am I doing here?  Why did You call me to this place?  I can't do this.

To be perfectly honest, those thoughts have not been completely erased from my mind.  I am very aware of the fact that my skills fall short of being even close to the same level as most of the students in this music program.  Yes, that can be both frustrating and humiliating at times, but it comes with the territory of being a musician- someone will always be better than me.  I also don't know half the stuff that many of the other music majors do, and that is intimidating.  Yes, I am anxious to learn, but do I have enough time?  Do I really have what it takes to get through this?

The answer, quite frankly, is no.  I don't have what it takes.  Though sometimes it seems that I do, I do not actually live and breathe music.  There are days when I don't practice my piano.  I am very passionate about several other things besides music, and those things take up my time. I don't even believe that's wrong- it's just part of who I am, and I know that God gave me those passions.  Becoming a famous musician is not even on my priority list.  I really just want to be a worship leader, and become all that God has created me to be in that.  I'm here at school because God has not only called me to be here, but He has also provided every way for me to stay- financially, academically, and emotionally.  I, by myself, do not have what it takes to do as well in this program as I plan to and finish with a Bachelor's degree in Music Education. However- I, with God working in, through, and for me, have everything it takes and more.  I'm going to have to army-crawl through this thing, and it's going to hurt.  I am going to be discouraged and humiliated and scared.  I am also going to learn, grow, and be hugely inspired, though, and I look forward to that.

My decision to come to Milledgeville was a blind leap of faith.  Now, I am discovering what it is that I leaped into.  It is an even harder journey than what I have walked before, but it is one that God has paved so that I will be renewed and transformed into the person He has created me to be.  It is a journey that I don't have the strength to continue, but is one that God will carry me through.

I'll praise Him all the way.

Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; 
I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10-

.

"We Are Only Dust"

A few days ago, I moved out of my parents' house and into my new apartment in Milledgeville.  The whole thing has been really weird but also awesome.  I've always wanted to be a grownup, but like, at some point I became a 20-year-old woman who wears cardigans, writes poetry in coffee shops, buys light bulbs and batteries, and lives on her own and I just don't know when that happened.  Don't get me wrong- it's cool, but just, what? Was I not seventeen years old yesterday?

Anyway.

Things I've learned since moving:

1) I'm out of shape to the point of embarrassment.  My apartment is on the second floor and the steps have made me very sore. 

*hangs head in shame*

2) The fact that Walmart is the hangout for the crazies no matter where you go is oddly comforting.

3) Though out of shape, when it comes to moving big furniture out of bathrooms, I am very strong.   However, I still don't know why my desk was in there.

4) My dryer has a buzzer.  I learned this when it went off while I was watching TV and I nearly jumped off the couch.

5) The deep stuff, which will take up the rest of this post.

I've written before about the miserable months that I went through emotionally last year and earlier this year.  Before I opened my heart for God to heal me, I went through a time during which I was just numb.  During the past couple of weeks, I felt myself flipping the switch on my emotions to 'off' again because I was so afraid of what it might feel like to move out.  When I realized that was happening, I began to pray that God would keep me from going numb again, so that I could feel Him working in me during every moment of this change.  I know that my faith is not contingent on how I feel, but I certainly believe that God communicates with us through our emotions.  He did not fail me.  Last night, I was thumbing through Psalms and reading them aloud.  I had read several without really relating to any of them before I was drawn to Psalm 103.  

He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.  For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of the Heavens above the earth.  He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.  The Lord is like a Father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.

For He knows how weak we are; He remembers that we are only dust.

{Psalm 103:11-14}

Over this summer, God has truly healed my heart, even though I honestly had not believed that He would.   And for the past month or so, things have- for the most part- been going my way.  I guess I'd say that I am in a season of rest and provision.  I am extremely thankful for this time that God is giving me to prepare me for the next steps, but maybe I've been letting this easy life get to my head.  Reading the words of that Psalm sharply reminded me that I am so desperately human.  So weak, only dust.  God never forgets that, though.  He does not expect me to be perfect or breeze through life.  He is faithful and takes care of His children.  What blessed assurance.

I spent some time this afternoon playing old hymns on my keyboard and singing until my voice was hoarse.  The beautifully written words of praise to Him who cares for me sent chills all the way through my fingertips as they danced across the keys.  The peace of the Holy Spirit residing within me, and the exhilaration of my praises being carried to the Lord, is much more than a fleeting emotion.  It is indescribable.  

Though so many things in my life are changing, the wondrous mercies of God are constant.

Come Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above;

Praise the mount- I'm fixed upon it-

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

All Things New

I have been packing up my room this week.  So far, I have 6 oddly-shaped boxes stuffed and ready to take to my new apartment in Milledgeville.  My walls have been stripped of the posters, picture frames, etc. that have been there for years.  I packed up the two guitars that I don't play and stored them away.  A few days ago, I picked out which books are coming with me and which are staying- the ultimate torture method for a book lover such as myself.  Then I went through the same upsetting ordeal again with my music books last night (I actually held up my theory book from my first year of piano lessons and said, "But I might need this...").  This whole experience is especially significant to me because I've never done it before.  Though my family has moved before, I was too young to really care, and we've always stayed in the same area.  I'm not just moving out for the first time- I'm moving for the first time, period.  In less than three weeks.  Yikes.

There are a few things that make me sad about moving.  I not only dearly love but also really like my parents. I am going to miss them a lot more than the average person, because they are not your average parents. A lot of my family lives close to me, and I've never known what it's like to live more than twenty minutes from them.  I don't really want to find out. I am blessed with an incredibly supportive and lovely group of friends here that I'm sad about not seeing regularly anymore.  And my precious church family... maybe I should stop here.  I'm writing this in a public place and I do not have a cute cry.  The public place, in fact, is my favorite coffee shop (Bare Bulb Coffee) that I'm going to miss almost as much as my dog, who is just the best pup in the world.  Emotions are running high, folks.

All of this aside, though, I am filled with eager anticipation for what lies ahead:  new apartment, new room, new city, new school, new people, new lessons, new responsibilities, new experiences.  This is exciting, though a little scary.  Thankfully, I am not being forced to leave anything completely behind me, either.  This is a good thing.  I'm counting down the days.  

I am so thankful for what God has taught me this summer, and for the way He lovingly guided me through yet another difficult time in my life so that I could become a strong, confident, and joyful follower of Christ.  More than ever before, in the past few months I have seen the promise fulfilled that Jesus Christ makes me a friend of God.  I'm so glad to worship the King of kings who I know will remain constant when my world flips upside down in seventeen days.   I'm so in awe of the way that He always works at exactly the right time- for example, I'm ready to move now, but I realize now that I certainly wasn't ready 3 months ago.  

I usually like to write these posts about a huge life lesson that God has taught me, so I guess this one is a little bit different.  However, moving is one of the biggest things happening in my life right now.  I know that God is going to teach me a lot through it.  This, I suppose, is the preface to the many lessons that I will be writing about in the future.  I look forward to what those lessons will be.

Here's to new things, to growing in Christ, to becoming a better musician, to diligently pursuing a career.

Oh, and I'll be 20 years old in 11 days. Here's to growing up.  

And if our God is for us...

A couple of weeks ago on a Friday, I smiled as I knelt to place my guitar in its case after singing "Our God" with 75 very brave kiddos.  Behind me, I heard them shout in unison,

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Thinking about that moment sends joy through every part of me for two reasons.  Reason número uno is that I find so much peace in the fact that those words are true, always, for every follower of Christ.  The second reason, though, is more relative to the context of that day.  That particular Friday was the last day of Camp Hope, a week-long day camp for kids with cancer.  The camp was run by Jay's Hope, a fantastic organization which is now very close to my heart.  The campers had memorized that verse- Philippians 4:13- over the course of the week, and could say it backwards and forwards.  Those kids probably found more hope in those eleven words than I ever have.  They are fighting no small battle.  Though most, in their innocence, may not fully understand the gravity of their situations, they definitely feel the physical effects of the cancer.  And the patients' siblings, who also attended the camp, see the physical weakness of their brother or sister and it makes them sad and/or scared.  The camp was a time for the kids to get away from the hospital and have all kinds of fun.  In between all the sports, art, music, and dancing, the kids learned about how much God cares for them.  The promise of strength in Christ has a very special beauty in this context.

This verse has been popping up a lot in my life lately.  I certainly do not want to direct any attention away from the message of miraculous strength which was delivered to those precious children, but I would like to share something I learned about God's strength in me during Camp Hope.

Originally, I was supposed to lead worship for the campers in the mornings before they split into their teams and went to stations such as art and sports.  I was so excited.  Then, I was asked to also teach music classes for the kids, and I was scared.  At first, my answer was "No." I didn't have the knowledge or the resources, I explained.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I'd love to, I said, next year after I know more about teaching (Elementary Music Education, if you don't know, is the degree I'm currently pursuing)- but not this year.  I believed that I was not equipped to do it.

A couple of weeks before the camp, the search for a music teacher was still on.  I heard myself saying I would do it.  I was confident that the amazing ladies behind Jay's Hope, as well as the two wonderfully sweet women who volunteered in the class, would help me and that they would be encouraging rather than judgmental of my shortcomings.  The timing was perfect, as it was right after I had had a breakthrough in my relationship with God and my tendency to worry had practically vanished.  I never regretted saying yes.  After agreeing to teach the music classes, I kept waiting for the crippling fear to come; however, it never did, which is my first piece of evidence that God's strength is abundant.

I was nervous, though.  A few days before teaching the first class, I was working on lesson plans and wondering what on earth I thought I was doing.  I'm nineteen years old.  I've had, what, two education classes?  I didn't know anything about teaching music.  But the time for the first class came anyway and so I did it.  I loved it, but here's the kicker- despite my nerves and lack of experience, I was fully equipped.  Every day, the three classes I taught went smoothly and we had a blast. Why?  Because God's on my side.  It was certainly not through my own abilities, but rather the gifts He's blessed me with. Leading worship and teaching music is what He's called me to do.  My lack of credentials could not possibly concern Him any less.  He wanted to bless those kids, and He wasn't afraid to use me to do it.  That blows my mind.

I am so glad that I put my faith in God and took the opportunity to not only to lead those wonderful kids in worship, but also to teach them more about music.  Though I was filled with so much doubt at first, that is all washed away now as I think about that week.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Whatever it takes.

Take a break from all the plans that you have made

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Read the Word and put to test the things you've heard

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

{"Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham}

I have been long absent from blogger world.  My lack of posts for the past month and a half has been purposeful, however, instead of just lazy.  As was probably clear in my last post, I have been going through a significant revival in my life- specifically, in my relationship with God.  While this has been a beautiful thing in my life, I have to admit that it has also been hard.  I decided that I needed to take a step back from summarizing each of my life lessons into a concise essay and really apply what God is teaching me.

Once I realized just how deep I had let myself sink emotionally, I had to make the choice to begin the healing process.  I've asked God to heal me in this way before, but I guess it's always been a bit half-hearted.  Like, "God, heal me, but do it quick- and don't change anything in my life, just make me happy."  I could be wrong, but I think God let me sink a little farther into troubled waters so that I would wake up to the fact that something had to change in order for true healing to begin.

I heard the words "do whatever it takes" slipping out of my mouth during a prayer a couple of months ago and paused, panicking.  "Whatever it takes?" I thought. "No.  It will take something big to make me whole again.  So many things will have to change.  Don't do whatever it takes.  That will hurt even worse."

I paused for a moment longer.  I realized I had meant what I said the first time.

Do whatever it takes.

So far it has taken a lot of change.  Most of the change has been in myself- my attitudes, habits, thoughts, and behavior.  I had to start acting like I believe God loves me, even when I don't.  It was through this that He showed me just how much He is willing to fight for me.  He is on my side.


Acting like I believe God loves me also involved doing some things that were out of my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is writing blogs in a coffee shop, playing the piano and singing in my room.  While that's all well and good, the healing process had to involve me actively making an effort to be in situations where I could draw from others and be built up instead of stagnant or torn down.  My comfort zone is not thinking too hard about things that have hurt me in the past.  In order to heal, I have had to directly address the things that have happened to me- the breaks in my heart, the mistakes I have made, the people who have torn me down, the hurt that I have been harboring for too long- and ask God to help me to not just ignore it, but truly let it go and move on.  I've found myself stopping in my tracks, literally, and directly addressing thoughts that used to just sting for a moment before I would suppress them again.  My comfort zone is pride, the kind of pride that doesn't need God's grace.  God has been showing me the kind of humility that is in complete awe of such mercy.  My comfort zone is worrying about everything and controlling whatever I can get my hands on.  God has been teaching me to just be still sometimes, and know that He is God.

In actively pursuing God's healing, I have found so much peace.  I used to be a huge worrier, and now, for the first time, I can honestly say that that is no longer a daily struggle.  I used to be extremely insecure, but I have found a beautiful new confidence- something that is runs deep instead of temporarily resting on the surface- in this journey.  I used to be afraid of everything, but now I find strength in my God.

The journey continues, but the progress is undeniable.  There has been nothing halfway about this healing.  God has been leading me all the way to complete renewal, the kind that is nothing short of miraculous.  He knows exactly what it takes.
I did have to get up and follow Him, though.  I'm glad I did.  Please pray for me as I continue.

Praise the LORD. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.  

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

~Psalm 147:1-5~

Revive me.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 
Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' 
So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 
That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults,
hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NLT)

This passage has been laid on my heart in the past couple of weeks, and in turn has become one of my favorites.  

As I've said before, I love to lead worship.  One of my very favorite songs to lead is "You Revive Me" by Christy Nockels.  I love it not only because of the beautiful melody, but even more because of the lyrics.  I can very clearly remember the last time I led a congregation to worship with this song- I remember that I was so exhausted that morning, so emotionally strung out, that everything around me disappeared and the chorus became a desperate prayer, as praise songs often do.  The chorus goes like this:

You revive me- You revive me, Lord
And all my deserts are rivers of joy
You are the treasure I could not afford
So I'll spend myself 'til I'm empty and poor
All for you- You revive me, Lord

I think one of the biggest mistakes we (I) make as Christians is that we force ourselves to be empty.  That's something I see myself doing over and over again, and it's not healthy.  In Luke 14:27, Jesus says, "And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple."  A lot of people, including myself, tend to take that as an order to suffer for Christ... without His help.  But I simply do not believe that that's what we're really supposed to do.  For in Philippians 4:13, Paul, who writes a lot about suffering in the name of Christ, says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I worry so much about things that I shouldn't.  Not just a mild uneasiness, either.  I worry myself into physical sickness on a regular basis.  This worry stems from insecurity, fear, doubting God... all things that I have written about on this blog because they are huge daily battles for me.  This worry leads not only to physical sickness but also to mental exhaustion.  If it goes on for long enough without me realizing the severity of its effects and surrendering it over to God, I end up feeling more than just mentally and emotionally exhausted-  I feel completely drained.  Numb.  Dead.

I used to read Scriptures about suffering for Christ and take them completely out of context, using them instead as some kind of reassurance that it was okay for me to feel so bad all the time with no purpose.  I would often ask God to be my strength, but there was some determination within me to continue to be emotionally tormented as He fought for me.  Even that day that I cried "You revive me" out to God, I walked off the stage and carried on with an nearly hopeless heart, feeling as if I could barely put one foot in front of the other.
What a dark existence.  No more.

As humans, we live in broken bodies in a fallen world.  My inclination to worry is a symptom of my brokenness, my weakness, and my lack of faith in the God who has never forsaken me.  But as God says in that passage from 2 Corinthians, "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness."  When I finally truly believed this, I realized that I couldn't feel empty anymore.  God wants to fill me- with strength.  

I have sought fulfillment in so many things other than God.  I have had more faith in relationships, possessions, music, and appearance than I've had in God.  Of course, each one of these things let me down- over and over and over again.  With each disappointment, I would somehow lose more faith in God, thinking that He had forsaken me, when in truth it was not He who had let me down but rather these idols in my life.  So I would retreat back into sadness because I could not be fulfilled by these things in which I had placed too much worth.

Sometimes, sadness feels safe.  Emptiness feels like the only option.  And if not for the Lord, that would be true.  But since God did send the Holy Spirit to live within us, we can instead live full of strength even in this dark, fallen world.  That's the kind of powerful, merciful God we worship.

It is only because of Christ that I can say I no longer feel empty.  It is true that His power works best in weakness, and His grace is all I need.  The One who rose from the grave revives me, too.  I'm alive, and I am filled with the strength and JOY of the Lord.


Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will

("Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship)

Seek Him.

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."

~ Philippians 3:8a~

I don't know if it shows, but I usually write for this blog during the times when I am feeling the most broken.  That's why the posts usually contain so much hope- I need that hope to sustain me so that I can carry on and be okay.  So that I can grow in my walk with Christ instead of being knocked down by Satan's arrows. Oftentimes, writing a post about what God has been teaching me and finding Scripture that supports my train of thought is enough to last me a few days.  I write these posts for myself more than anyone else, to remind myself of truth when I am in doubt.  And it works.  But this week, God told me that wasn't enough.  I need to know Him more.

It's no secret that this year has been rough for me.  I've only told a couple of people the details of why, and honestly, the reasons aren't all that important.  People go through much worse every day.  Even so, hurt is hurt, and what's more important is the outcome of the trials I have been going through.

Though it was far from the most upsetting of the trials of this year, school was really stressful this semester and the anxiety it brought on caused my vision to be clouded.  Now that the semester has come to an end, though, I can look back over the last several months with amazement at what God has done for me.  Here are some highlights:

In the midst of my seemingly constant studying for classes, and rigorous preparation for my audition into the music program at Georgia College & State University, God opened the door for me to play in the band at the church that I had been attending for only two weeks.  Since then, I have gotten to play and worship with those crazy-talented musicians several times and I am amazed and so thankful that God put such a blessed opportunity in my life.

I have found wonderful new friends at that church and have connected with a small group that encourages me to grow in Christ. In addition to my new friends, several of the friendships that I already had have strengthened into deeper, more encouraging relationships.

I was accepted into the music education program at Georgia College & State University and offered a $1,000 scholarship for the year. (Hooray!)

More than anything, though, I've learned a lot about the character of God this year.  In order to have a growing relationship with someone, it is necessary to continuously learn more about who they are.  When that relationship is with an infinite God, learning who He is is the most amazing thing possible.  As I grow and change, He remains the same, and I gain new capacity to grasp more of Him.  But I can't fill this capacity just through being thankful for His blessings and aware of His guidance.  It must go deeper than that.  Which is what I've been leading up to...

I cannot stress how important, how vital it is to communicate with God through prayer and studying the Word.  It is possible to go through life without these things.  It's even possible to be happy without these things.  But it is not possible to have true joy or a growing relationship with the Lord, to experience His absolute best for your life, without praying to Him and reading His Word, which is alive.

I consistently come up short in my end of my relationship with God.  I get distracted.  I foolishly believe that it's okay to hold the gifts that He has given me closer than God Himself.  I get lazy.  I coast by.
That's not enough.  

God does not hide Himself from us.  Instead, He reaches through the distance we put between ourselves and Him, and shows His power everywhere.  We have the amazing ability to speak to Him through prayer.  In this country, we have the freedom to carry His Word around in our back pocket and read it as we please.  It is so important to be in the Word.  I wish I could explain the power that is within it, but I cannot.

There is nothing better.  Everything apart from God is meaningless.  Getting to know God through His Word is so powerful and beautiful.  I have never experienced such Love or Power as this... but don't just trust me on that.  You have to experience it for yourself.

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires."

~Hebrews 4:12~

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."

~2 Timothy 3:16-17~

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live with Christ Jesus."

~Philippians 4:6-7~

When My Fear Is Crippling

Last week, I stood behind the doors of the music rehearsal hall at my school, shifting my weight from right to left, wringing my hands, fighting the urge to run away.

The day before, I wasn't even nervous.  I was just supposed to perform this piece that I've played a thousand times for a few students and faculty.  No big deal.  Then, an hour before the recital, my piano instructor told me, with that slightly evil grin of his, "We moved you to the end of the program.  You're the big finish."

Oh no.  Ohhhh no.  Here it comes.  Pressure.  Oh no.  I cannot do this.

As I walked through the doors of the rehearsal hall to that beautiful grand piano, my choir director whispered, "Be bold.  It IS the Revolutionary, after all!"

Ohhhh no.

I sat down at the piano and placed my fingers on the keys, took a deep breath, and played Chopin's Revolutionary Etude.  Well, people say that I did.  If you ask me, I hit a lot of keys really fast and managed to hit the right ones most of the time.  The whole piece is a blur.  I grinned widely as I bowed afterward- not because I was proud of how I had played, but because I was so glad to be done.  The thing that I do remember-very clearly- is how violently my hands, and even the foot that I pedal with, were shaking through the whole piece.  My mind was blank, I could barely see straight... I had lost all control.

I've been struggling with fear a lot lately, especially when it comes to music.  Pursuing a career in music is a fairly recent thing for me, and it is scary.  When music was a hobby- although, really, it was always more than that to me- expectations were lower.  The fact that I could play anything by Chopin was enough.  The fact that I could sing on key was enough.  Now, I am around extremely talented musicians all the time who challenge me to be much better than just "enough."  Growing constantly as an artist, and working tirelessly to develop my gift, is not optional.  It's scary.

A similar fear overtook me a few days ago when I stood at the keyboard at my church, waiting to start the next song.  Even the idea of making a mistake paralyzed me- which, really, makes a mess-up much more likely to happen.  Then, God told me something.

You're putting way too much faith in your own abilities.

Well, I couldn't argue.  If I am trusting in my own ability to do anything, I absolutely should be afraid. I am nothing without the strength of God.
And if I am trusting in God's ability, well, fear is probably the silliest feeling I could have.

Surrendering to God is not just a daily thing- it's a constant thing.  I can testify, though, that nothing but good can come from that surrender.  You can hear the evidence of that whenever I play or sing- because, seriously, those aren't my abilities.  It's all God.  He gave me the gift of music, yes, but He is constantly reminding me that it is not my own.

I have found myself fearing much more than just playing the wrong note lately, but I believe that this truth transcends to every area of life.  Fear is a warning sign that I'm putting my faith in the wrong place.  From this moment forward, I want to be alert to that warning sign and fix it when it flashes.

The Lord is my light and my salvation-

    so why should I be afraid?

The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,

    so why should I tremble?

{Psalm 27:1}

For the Restless Soul

Today is Easter Sunday.  I can clearly hear birds chirping outside, and a couple of hours ago there was a torrential downpour that lasted all of ten minutes.  My clock currently reads 7:15pm, but a glance out my window tells me that it is still bright outside.  You know what all of this means?  Spring is finally here.

Spring is my favorite season.  Everything is so new- the blooming flowers, the green leaves, the songs that the baby birds learn to sing. 
Everything is changing.

No matter how much I love spring, I always feel a little sad at the beginning of a new season.  As the weather changes and everything in nature responds accordingly, the passing of time is undeniable. As much as I wish I could find a pause button sometimes, there is no way to stop the world from turning.  With every new breath I take, I am a little bit older.  What am I doing with my life?

Right now, I am in a period of waiting.  Patience.  I know that I am moving to a new school, but that's months away.  I know that I am called to be a worship leader, but I need to learn a lot more about music before I can lead a band.  I yearn to get married and start a family of my own.  I want desperately to be a better musician.  The list goes on.  There are so many things that I want to do with my life that I have to patiently work towards and wait for.  Honestly, it's frustrating.  God has placed all of these desires in my heart so that I will diligently pursue them, but when I am not able to act on these callings yet, I feel like I am not doing what God has purposed for me to do.  It's very unsettling, and I'm restless.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
- Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

Sometimes, it's that simple.  The desire that I have for those things that I listed before is burning in my heart with a passion that is almost painful.  I know that God will provide opportunities for me to have them in His perfect timing.  Right now, while I wait, all I have to do is delight myself in Him.  It's that simple. 

He will guide me.  He will care for me.  He loves me.  
What's not to delight in? 

Inhale, exhale.  Seek the peace of God.  Delight yourself in the Lord. 
"Life is worth the living just because He lives."

When I say, "I'm a Christian."

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my Light, my Strength, my Song.

My church has been going through a series called "Christian" for the past few weeks, and the words of Pastor Andy Stanley have caused me to question what it truly means to be a Christian.  To be honest, I thought I had that one down.  After all, I have been calling myself a Christian since I was four years old.  I should probably know by now what I mean when I say it.

The truth is that I've always had a tendency to rely on God more than Jesus.  Now, before you call me blasphemous or think I'm ignorant for being a Christian all these years and not knowing that God and Jesus are one and the same, just hear me out.

I grew up learning about the Trinity: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  I have complete faith that each part is wholly God and, in some way that surpasses my understanding, they are separate as well as the same.  However, in my mind, I separate them more than I should, and the Father is the one I go to.  I don't know why, but I am able to grasp the idea of the love of the Father much more than that of Jesus Christ.  In some strange way, I'm scared of my Jesus.

If that isn't brutal honesty, I don't know what is.  I accepted the salvation that Jesus offered with His death on the cross, but I've hidden my face from Him since then.  I can't believe He loves me that much.  I believe God loves me as His child, because I certainly act as a child in my immature decisions and thoughtless mistakes.  I'm in awe of His love and eternally grateful for it, but I can grasp and accept it, at least for the most part.
But to believe that Jesus loves me as a person, enough to give His life so that I can spend eternity with Him?
It's too much.

It is too much.  But let me tell you this: today, when I say, "I'm a Christian," I'm saying that I have decided to accept the extravagant gift of salvation from Jesus Christ.  Despite my weakness and my sinful nature, He has washed me clean.  I choose to follow Him. I am His disciple.
I don't deserve it, and that's why I come to the cross on my knees; and, somehow, He meets me here
    and oh, how He loves us.

"My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus' name
Christ alone, cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all."
{"Cornerstone" by Hillsong}

Waiting.

I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon You, Lord
My Rock and Redeemer, Shield and Reward- I'll wait upon You, Lord
As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, certain as the dawn appears.
You'll come, let your glory fall as You respond to us
Spirit, rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again
You'll come, You'll come.

This song has been stuck in my head all day- due, I'm sure, to the fact that it was the first song we sang in church this morning.  It's one of my favorites.  The music alone is enough to capture me in a state of complete worship, but the lyrics are what really get me.

"I have resolved to wait upon You, Lord."

Oh, I needed to hear those words sung to my heart this morning.  Despite my passionate words about trusting God, I still have a tendency to jump the gun in almost every situation.  I take control too soon.  God opens a door, and I run through it, telling Him to stay behind while I show off my ability to handle what He's given me perfectly.

The thing is, it doesn't work that way.  I don't have an ability to handle what He's given me- perfectly or otherwise.  He never intended for me to.  He never wants me to do anything on my own.

I was hit with that realization a few days ago as I sat at a table in my favorite coffee shop, talking to one of my closest friends.  I had asked her for advice about a situation that I had found myself in that week which was new for me and stressing me out quite a bit.  Her advice was sound and I was, and am, extremely thankful for her words of wisdom.  However, I was also kicking myself for needing that advice.  I told myself that I should have already known most of what she had been telling me, and I shouldn't have been so foolish.

Then I realized what was really happening there.  Iron sharpens iron.  Two are better than one.  My humiliation about not being able to handle that situation well without the advice of my friend spoke to nothing but my foolish pride.  Now, I thank God for placing friends in my life who can speak godly wisdom into my life when my discernment is lacking.

I think I need to slow down, and wait upon the Lord instead of constantly jumping ahead to where He has not yet guided me.  And in those times when I doubt myself, and fear that I am not doing enough on my own, remember, "I have resolved to wait upon You, Lord."

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

~Psalm 27:14~

Not a Famous Singer (Trusting God pt. 3)

Intro: {Trust Issues}
Part One: {Still at Home}
Part Two: {Never Had a Boyfriend}

This one probably seems a little absurd.  I mean, of course I'm not a famous singer.  Obviously.  It's not exactly something to get upset about, close my eyes, and say, "I'm trusting God through this."

Or is it?

Anyone who knows me knows that my passion for music burns in the very core of who I am.  Somehow, it's intertwined with every part of my life- my faith, my relationships, how I spend my time.  Even when I was as young as ten years old, my mom would say that it seemed physically painful for me when I went too long without playing the piano.  The same is true today, except that now my need to sing- often- is almost just as strong.  I'm not the girl that doodles "music = life" on her notebooks.  I'm the one who spends so much time working on her music that everyone already knows she can't breathe without it.

I was fourteen years old when I first made up my mind to become a famous singer- but I think, somewhere within me, that dream had always been alive.  I still remember what song I was listening to in the moment of that decision: "Hallelujah" by Krystal Meyers.  I wanted to make everyone feel the love of Christ with my music, just as God had used her songs to communicate that love to me.  I didn't know how, but I was convinced that I'd be recording albums and touring the country by the time I was seventeen.  What can I say?  I was an ambitious kid.

Well, I'm nineteen now.  My desire to reach people with the Gospel through music remains firm within me.  However, that desire has evolved over the years into something much different than simply wanting to be a rockstar. Today, I am a college student majoring in music education so that I can be the best piano teacher and worship leader I can be.  Instead of needing to be center stage, I am perfectly content playing the keyboard in the back if that is where God has placed me.  It took a lot of humbling experiences, especially in the past year, to get me to this point.

So, yes, I'm trusting God even in this life where I am not a famous singer.  I'll tell you why.
God made me a musician.  I will always be, by my very nature, a musician.  I have come to have complete faith that, no matter where I end up, as long as I am using my gifts to glorify Him, all is well.

I don't want to be famous, but I will use everything He has given me to make Him famous.

"As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God...

If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 

~1 Peter 4:10-11~

Disclaimer: Photograph found on Pinterest.  Good luck finding its origin.