Never Forsaken (So long, 2012)

I am one of those people who gets extremely sentimental at the end of the year and has to write an entire blog post to commemorate it.  There is just something wonderful about putting all of those memories and lessons learned into graspable words and to know that they are a thing of the past and that something new is coming.

2012.
In this past year, I have known more heartache, fear, joy, and love than I could have ever fathomed.  I have experienced hurt that I never wanted but certainly will never regret.  I have faced rejection over and over again and, as a result, I have found security in my Lord who will never forsake me.  I've been really, really stupid, but I am amazed at how much God loves me anyway.  I went through a lot of scary changes and more are in my near future, but time and time again this year it was proven that God knows what is best for me and that He is constant and omnipotent.  This blog post is a challenge to write because so much has happened that I feel like I could dedicate an entire post to each month.  The truth, though, is that this year and all those before it can be summed up in four words: My God never fails.


The biggest lessons I've learned...

- The Lord provides.  As my relationship with God has become more intimate and I have come to know Him more, I have seen so many ways in which He has provided for me and for others.  Once I stopped taking things for granted and realized God's hand in everything, I became so much more aware of His provision and I am truly in awe.  My faith has grown immensely this year, and my prayers are so much more passionate than before.  There is nothing my God cannot do.

- I am loved in every way. I have already written a post about the ardent love that God has for His followers, which I realized more fully about a month ago.  I am still amazed at how He loves me and I will be basking in this Love for all of eternity.  This Love has instilled a joy and confidence in me that I never knew before.  He fills every hole in my heart and clothes me in strength and dignity. 

- Thou shalt not covet.  At the beginning of this year, I struggled more than I care to admit with that ugly monster called envy.  It was not the material possessions of others that I would envy so much as the talents, personalities, and appearances.  God has helped me so much to work through that, and I have found that He has a lot of joy waiting for me when I turn from what I covet and am truly thankful for what He has given me instead.  He has blessed me so much! 

- God loves passion.  As followers of Christ, we are to seek the Lord's help to emulate Him in every way.  And who is more passionate than God? Absolutely no one.  He created passion, and He is passionate in everything that He does.  I am extremely passionate about music, and I used to struggle with feelings of guilt that I was spending too much time practicing my instruments.  I was convinced that I needed to be spending that time doing other things like volunteering and studying the Bible.  It is true that both of those things are important, but it is also so important that I take the gift that God has given me for music and use it to bring glory to Him.  He loves that I am so passionate about that gift!  It was about the time that I realized that that I changed my major to music and pursued it with a brand new excitement.  God loves passion.


My new year's resolutions...

- Eat healthy and exercise.  Listen, it's a cliche for a reason.
- Spend less, save more, give whenever He bids.  Prudence will be a lesson of 2013.
- Be a Proverbs 31 woman.  Never lose sight of the fact that I am clothed in strength and dignity.
- Bring glory to God by becoming the very best musician that I can be.  He gave me this gift with a purpose.
- Be kind-hearted and encouraging to all those around me.  My God is love.
- Pursue God passionately.
- Glorify God in all that I do. My actions, my words, my thoughts, my relationships with Him and with others.  That is my purpose, the very reason that I am here.


Of course, a lot of things happened this year that I have not included in this blog post, for reasons either that they were too personal or not really relevant to the point I'm trying to make.  My point is this:  Even though a lot of what happened this year could have easily pulled me away from God, somehow it didn't.  I have been pursued by God in the most beautiful way this year.  It is truly awesome to be known by God.

I am really excited for what 2013 holds.  I will be spending the first four days of the year at the Georgia Dome for Passion 2013, and I can't think of a better way to start the year.  I will then begin what promises to be the busiest semester yet.  In March, I will audition for the music education program at the school that I will be transferring to in the fall, and I'm already extremely nervous and excited.  Come August, I will be living on my own for the first time in my life.  Yes, 2013 is going to be full of change, but my God is constant.

My God never fails.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; 

yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Ecclesiastes 3:11

With a Fervent Heart

Something that has been on my mind quite a bit lately is the power of prayer.  I guess in the last few years I have become pretty casual with my prayers, and that is something that God has been changing in me recently.  The thing is, a lot of times I don't feel like there is a problem in my prayer life because I talk to God a lot.  Many of my thoughts are prayers.  I am very glad that I have that kind of relationship with God- I truly do feel the friendship that Christians are promised in Romans 5:11.  However, there are times when I get so comfortable with that friendship that I neglect the fact that He is my Lord.  It is so tremendously important to spend time bowed on both knees, focused on only Him, and praying with a fervent heart.

 Even though I don't always notice immediately when I haven't been praying as I should, I definitely notice when I have.  I cannot stress the power of prayer enough.  When I spend time genuinely praying and listening to God- His Word is only one of the ways that He uses to speak in our lives- it is evident in every single area of my life.  It blows my mind.  What's more, He rarely answers my prayers in the ways that I would expect.  Though it doesn't always feel this way, God truly does always answer my prayers with a better response than I could ever have come up with on my own.  Trust me on this- God is really cool.  It's not like He answers our prayers in a way that we always have to just miserably trust that it's His will and kind of wish that things could have gone a little differently.  No, He wants us to have joy.  He is really cool.  He answers prayers even about the things that you don't think would matter to Him.  You matter to Him.

Only a few weeks ago, I found myself in kind of a desperate place.  Sometimes it doesn't take any specific event to break your heart- you just realize one day that has been damaged so much that now it is definitely broken, even shattered, and you are left picking up the pieces.  That's where I was.  This may sound crazy or cliché, but sometimes that is honestly the best place to be; that is, if you decide to give those pieces of your heart to the God who made them and let Him place them perfectly together. 
It was at this desperate place that I began to pray fervently.  I began to plead.  It is not really in my nature to plead, and I don't usually plead to God- but I have been doing that a lot more often lately.  Not just that once, either.  I am asking for His help that He make it a habit of mine to pray passionately and constantly. 

The peace that overwhelms me during these prayers is indescribable.  It is not only spiritual, but physical- even my breath comes easier.  I want to challenge you to try it.  If you're lost for words, start with the prayer that Jesus lays out for His followers in Matthew 6.  Take the time to put it in your own words and hold nothing back. 

Sometimes it doesn't make sense to pray.  After all, God already knows our hearts.  Even so, when He instructed us to pray, He knew what He was doing.  Even Jesus prayed, and we ought to follow in His footsteps. 
Sometimes it's scary to pray.  Confessing sins is scary- but our God is forgiving.  Asking for big things is scary- but our God is able.  Resisting temptation is scary- but our God is strong.  Asking for a change of heart is scary- but our God is loving.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like prayer is working.  I feel that in my own life sometimes- actually, a lot.  There is one person in my life for whom I have been praying for about 13 years.  I've tried changing the way I word my prayers. I've tried to pray more specifically. I've tried to pray more often.  I've tried to somehow pray harder.  I've tried to give up.  I've tried to get other people to pray.  It is the most discouraging thing that I know, and it brings tears to my eyes to think of it.  I don't understand why my prayers have not been answered in the way that I long for, but I know that God is just.  I know that He hears my prayers and that He knows my struggle.  I trust that He is doing a great thing. 
Sometimes it feels like it's too late to pray.  That's something that has been coming up a lot lately in the context of the terrible massacre in Connecticut.  But I believe with every ounce of me that it is more important to pray now than ever before.  People need Christ.  We need the peace of God.  There is no better way to come closer to the Lord than through prayer.  What an awesome thing it is to know that in the midst of tragedy, we worship a God who is good, who is the Healer, who is omnipotent.

When we pray to God, we access a Power that is unlike anything we have ever held in our human hands. That is nothing to be casual about.  Pray with a fervent heart.

The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help.  

 He rescues them from all their troubles. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; 

He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

Psalm 24:17-18 (NLT)

Healing Wounds

Let's get a little personal this time, shall we?

Something I would guess that most people don't know about me is that I struggle a lot with insecurity.  I'm not sure of where it stems from exactly.  Something about my nature, though, is like a huge screaming target for Satan to shoot arrows of self-doubt at.  That's my weakness. I doubt myself constantly.  My abilities, my appearance, my actions, my words, my relationships... you name it, I've probably felt extremely insecure about it at some point, and maybe I still do.

I'm reading a book right now called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore.  One of my dearest friends loaned it to me at just the right time and God is really using these words in my life.  

Beth Moore is a beautiful woman of God who has changed a huge number of lives with her teaching and passionate messages about who God is and who He wants us to be.  I wouldn't ever imagine that she would have a need to feel insecure about anything.  She's awesome, funny, gorgeous, and God is using her in big ways.  But as I read what she has to say, I realize that she has had a terrible struggle with insecurity throughout her entire life.  Well, blow me down.

Something I would guess that most people do  know about me is that I am a perfectionist.  I'm that way about everything- grades, music, relationships, etc.  I want to do it all right the first time.  But I don't do it all right the first time.  Does anyone?  If someone does, tell me who it is and I'd like to steer clear of them so that I don't feel even worse.  Mistakes break me.  That's my pride showing itself all over the place, and I'm very well aware of that.  But Beth Moore wrote something in her book that I found very interesting.  She said, "Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism.  That's when it becomes an art form."  

I always wondered how I could be insecure and a perfectionist at the same time.  Well there ya go.  It boils down to insecurity.  I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm thinking it's going to boil further down to pride.  The incessant need to be perfect? Uh, yeah, that's got 'pride' written all over it.  I'm also seeing a fall coming pretty soon.  What was that verse?  Oh, yeah...

Pride goes before destruction -Proverbs 16:18

Great.

Anyway, back to my point- there is one, I promise.  The thing is, there are a lot of times when I really let this insecurity thing get to me.  I let that arrow pierce my heart and stay there so that I can't heal.  Then I feel bad for letting Satan get me down, so I'm ashamed and hesitant to ask God for help.  But how much sense does that really make?  Let's be honest- on my own, I am the farthest thing from perfection.   On my own, I have every reason in the world to be insecure.  On my own, I'm nothing.  The only reason that I can be secure in myself at all is because God, who is Perfection, has created me and His Holy Spirit dwells within me.  

Something tells me that I'm not the only person who struggles with this.  So if you're struggling, too, this is my challenge to you, and the challenge that I am taking myself-  let God heal you.  I know that's easier said than done.  Even so, dive into His Word and ask Him to remove that arrow from your heart and mend the wound.  Ask that He place an assurance within you of His power and strength and His love for you, and let that be your shield from any more of Satan's arrows.  And to prevent that destruction that Proverbs mentions, ask that God would humble you so that you have pride only about Christ.

^"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died."

 -Galatians 6:14

God created you.  He loves you.

Find your security in Him.  Let Him be your resting place, your Healer, your Peace.

"He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.

By His wounds you have been healed."  

-1 Peter 2:24

Irrevocably.

I've been told all my life that God loves me.
Yeah, I'm that girl.  The one who grew up in church and asked Jesus to live in her heart at the ripe age of four years old.  I've had my fights with doubt, impatience, temptation, and obedience just like anyone else.  But one thing I never struggled with was God's love.  Even when my faith in God would waver, I knew one thing- if there was a God, whoever He was loved me very much.  Blessed assurance-  I've always had it.

It took me nineteen years to realize that God loves me in so many ways that He truly can fill every longing in my heart.  All this time, I've been calling Him "Master," "Savior," "Father," "King."  I am so very thankful that He is all of these things.  But do you see a common theme?  All of these names carry the connotation of power over a helpless individual.  He is indeed all-powerful, and I am indeed helpless outside of His strength.  I realized today, though, that I have been so wrapped up in how unworthy I am of His love and mercy that I have been unwilling to truly accept His passionate love.  I accepted only the love of a good Master to a slave, a glorious Savior to a trapped victim, a kind Father to a child, a merciful King to a peasant.  Those are great loves.  They've kept me in awe and will continue to do so forever.  God is the Author of every love, though, and He has even more to offer than what I had realized before.

"When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" 
-Hosea 2:16 (NLT)

This is the Lord's promise to unfaithful Israel.  This is a promise that the Lord, in all His beautiful glory, made because He is Love itself.

It has never occurred to me that God could fill even that place in my heart that longs desperately for the love of a husband to a wife.  It was only by divine revelation that I realized the beautiful truth that as I mature, my God is able, and wants, to fill every desperate longing of this young woman's heart.  The Lord is completely, passionately, irrevocably in love with those who accept His grace and fall into His merciful arms.

I am so unworthy.  I fall short of His glory by my very nature.  But I am learning now to accept the ardent and unfailing love that He has to offer now that He has washed me clean of my sins.

"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain.  My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

~Isaiah 54:10~

Bits and Pieces

A couple of weeks ago, my college hosted a writing marathon.  I and three of my good friends formed a group that went to each of four different assigned locations around campus, and we would write for fifteen minutes at each spot.  At the end of the fifteen minutes, we would share whatever we wrote with each other- raw and unedited.  It was a lot of fun and reminded me of how much I love to write.  I actually liked a couple of the things I wrote, so I wanted to share them here.  I have not edited them at all since that day, so they cut off kind of awkwardly since I was under a time limit.  But I think, sometimes, raw and unedited is best.

This first one is about the five stages of grief, since I found myself going through them after a disappointment that I experienced about a month ago.  Though I was deeply hurt by what had happened, I didn't feel that I was really justified in being as upset as I was.  I was feeling very upset and confused, and this messy poem spilled out.

They say there are five stages of grief, but no one says when you are allowed to go through them-

Does someone have to die? Should your heart be completely broken?

Or can you just be really disappointed, devastated over words unspoken?

I don't think there's a limit to when hurt is allowed to set in,

Or an absolute moment when those five stages are justified to begin.

Some feel more than others, some feel less-

Sometimes a great capacity to love can lead to great unrest.

It all comes down to what you do with yourself

When you're lost, or hurt, or needing of help.

So where do you go when those stages begin?

This next paragraph is just a flow of thoughts.  I was sitting at the end of the bridge which crosses over "knee-deep," the pretty but murky lake on campus.  It was supposed to be an inspiring location, but I was questioning that.  My pen moved quickly across the paper, forming these words:

What even is inspiration?  Why should one thing inspire anymore than another?  Should a beautiful fountain, with its constance and flow, be any more significant than a tiny bug that floats around, defying gravity with its every move?  I think inspiration is just another word for appreciation.  Maybe if we were to more fully appreciate the beauty in things, we wouldn't struggle so much to be inspired.  Because, really, what is more inspiring than that new breath that you just took?  That breath that made your heart keep beating, your brain keep thinking, the blood in your veins keep moving?  I've heard people say to be inspired by even the simple things, and maybe I've even said that myself.  But looking around, I see nothing truly simple, and I don't think I ever have.  So, maybe, instead of being so desperate for inspiration, and prompts to the imagination, we should appreciate it all- breathe in, there you go, and think about that breath.  That's all the inspiration you need.

Everything Beautiful.

It's been a rough October.

For me, this month began with high hopes that were crushed rather quickly.  I have been dealing with heartache, school stress, betrayal, and worry.  I'm not going to sit here and say I've stayed positive through all of this- I haven't.  For weeks, I've been just trying to get by without losing my mind or failing any exams, and that's been just about all I could handle.

As the month comes to a close, though, I'm starting to be okay again.  As the season has transitioned from scorching summer to breezy, beautiful autumn, I have moved into a new season of my life as well.  I've made several decisions in the past few weeks that have drastically changed the direction of my path- but I know that it's all for the best.  I fully believe that God has been steering me in this direction for a long time, preparing me sufficiently before calling me to make these decisions.  Isn't it cool how God does that?  There are so many struggles that I've gone through this year that I did not understand the purpose of at all, and now everything is coming together beautifully.  As my favorite verse, Ecclesiastes 3:11, says: "[God] has made everything beautiful in its time."  And so, while I'll admit that the stress has been painful and almost unbearable at times, I am glad for the ways that I have grown through it.

As I move along this path that now heads in a new, exciting direction, I don't want to miss a single moment of what God has for me.  I know I say things to that effect a lot, but to me, it seems I cannot express my excitement about God's plan enough.  When I think about the fact that He is constantly working, without sleeping, and bringing things together for the good of those who love Him, my heart swells with a joy that can only come from the Lord of all creation.

In the back of my mind, I always expect that there will soon come a point when things stop changing, and growing up will be boring instead of so wonderfully exciting.  But you know, with a God like mine, I don't think that will ever happen.  He is constantly revealing more of His infinite coolness.

How has God revealed his "coolness" to you lately?

Brave.

I've always thought it would be cool to be brave.

I don't really know when I stopped wishing I was brave and just was.  I don't have a sob story in which I'm the heroine- honestly, I'm probably just more obnoxiously determined than anything.  I think it occurred to me one day that if I started something, by my very nature I would finish it; therefore, all I needed to be brave enough to do was take the first step.  Say the first word.  Hit the first note.  When I realized that, my world opened up and I became a little bit brave.

I try to do something brave as often as I can.  It's not usually anything too big- I just like saying things that people normally wouldn't, and doing things that I used to be too scared to do.  Last night I did something like that. I changed my major from New Media & Communications, which I've never been completely satisfied with, to Music.

I've wanted to major in music since I was nine years old.  That's always been the dream, ever since I knew what college was.  For as long as I can remember, music has been as necessary to me as breathing.  But as I grew older, I started getting practical.  I started looking at degree programs that would help me get a job, rather than allow me to study something I truly love.  It took over a year of college and 4 major changes, but I've finally landed where I want to be, and where I truly believe that God has always been leading me.  

Now, I know what you're thinking.  So go ahead, ask the question.  I'm ready for it.

"Oh, you're majoring in music... so whatcha gonna do with that?"

I have one answer for you.  It's an answer that has had me grinning all morning, with a joy in my heart that I don't think I've ever had before.  Judge me for it, I don't care.  But here's my answer: 

"Love it."

That Little Red Square

What did you do today?

I've been haunted by that question for the past week.  Lately, I've been feeling like my days are so busy that they just fly by...but it seems like I'm not getting near as much done as some people I know.  So about a week ago, I asked myself, "What did you do today?"

My answer was something like this: I went to class.  I did some homework.  I studied.  I watched Flashpoint on Netflix.  And I spent a little bit too much time clicking that little red square known as a Facebook notification.

I'll be the first to admit to how lame that is.  Seriously?  I did homework, watched TV, and played around on Facebook?  I'm not in high school anymore.  There's nothing wrong with taking it easy sometimes, and it's certainly true that I have more classes on some days than others, so those days go by much more quickly.  However, as I continued to assess how I was consistently spending my days, I became pretty disappointed.  I could be spending my time in much better ways.

Here is the conclusion I've come to.  If I call myself a Christ-follower, I'd better be spending my time following Him- and honestly, I doubt that that involves very much time spent on Facebook obsessing over who likes my status.  If I call myself a musician, I should spend more time cultivating my art.  If I call myself a writer, you guys should probably be seeing my posts pop up in your feed more often, and I should spend more time reading and drawing inspiration from other writers.  If I call myself a student, I should be more diligent in my studies.  If I'm majoring in journalism, I should spend more time reading/watching the news.  The list goes on, but I think you get my point.  I don't just get to be whatever I say I am- I have to work at it.  It wasn't until I realized exactly how much time I've been spending watching television and surfing social networking sites that it hit me that I could have done so much more with my life by now.

So I'm turning around tonight.  Don't worry, I'm not going to go crazy and shut down my Facebook and Twitter and never watch TV again...but I believe in self-control.  Facebook is a great tool for communicating, and I even use it for school sometimes- so I will definitely still use it, but sparingly.  Twitter is fun, but I'm going to be thinking a lot more about what I tweet and how often I check my feed.  I'm definitely not going to keep Netflix open in the next tab like I often do (I'm so embarrassed).  I am so excited about how God is going to use me once I'm not a slave to these things and I'm free to just follow where He leads me.

I know that everyone is at different places in their lives, and I'm not going to stand on a soapbox and tell you to do the same as me.  However, I do know that Christians are called to drop everything and follow Christ.  Right now, for me, that means dropping those things that I've been wasting my time on.  It could mean something completely different for you.  What is God calling you to drop in order to follow Him more closely?

-Sammie

"Then Jesus said to his followers, 'If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want. They must be willing even to give up their lives to follow me.'"

Matthew 16:24 (NCV)

New Beginnings

Today was my second day as a sophomore in college.

Since I took classes over the summer, I almost forgot that this first week of fall semester is supposed to be a rush of excitement and fresh beginnings. But as I fought my way through the plethora of students at club rush, I couldn't help thinking about the fact that this semester is brand new, and it can be different than all of those that came before it.

So I'm pretty excited.  During my freshman year, I was hesitant to branch out because I was so inexperienced in college life.  But now that I have a year of college under my belt, I'm ready to try new things, meet new people, and be used by God for whatever He has in store.

This is the first semester that I will be juggling classes, the school newspaper, and a job, so I doubt I will have much time to blog.  However, I'm so excited about what God is going to teach me that I'm sure I will be writing about it from time to time.  In the mean time, I hope all of you  have a great fall, and look for ways to bring glory to God in every situation.  That's my goal!

-Sammie-

Standing Up

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

-1 Corinthians 10:13-

Temptation doesn't always feel like a bad thing.  Actually, it often feels really good- duh, that's why it's tempting!  I think a lot of girls especially struggle with wanting to be around someone who gives them attention, no matter how bad that person could be for them.  Attention feels really good, and a charming smile can be as hard to resist for a young woman as a piece of candy is for a kid.  So, what on earth are we supposed to do when faced with temptation like this?

Step 1: Admit you have a problem.

No, seriously.  I know it feels good.  I know his smile is really nice and he told you you looked pretty and this feels like the first time that someone has really liked you in a long time, or maybe ever.  I know you can think of a thousand reasons why he's great for you.  But if you know that it wouldn't be pleasing God for you to be with this guy, then you have a problem.  Admit it.  

Step 2: Pray.

Am I being really cliche in this post?  Well, I don't apologize.  Do not expect to be able to resist temptation with your own strength- most of the time, it's simply not going to happen.  Even if you could do it by yourself, what is the point in exhausting yourself that way?  God is the one who will provide a way out (as the verse at the beginning of this post promises), so He will also show you the way out.  Pray.  It's going to be hard, but the Lord is your strength.  Pray.  Pray.

Step 3: Trust and Obey.

When I was younger, my mom used to tell me this a lot.  I even wrote it in a really cool font one day on my sketch pad (when I was going through my "yeah I'm totally gonna be an artist one day" phase) and tacked it on my bedroom door.  One day (after a certain incident when I hadn't trusted and obeyed her at all), she sat me down and explained how important it was for me to trust her and my dad, and to obey them even when I didn't understand.  As I've grown up, I've realized how important it is to do the same in my relationship with God.  Trust and Obey.  I'm not always going to understand.  I'm not always going to want to trust that that guy isn't good for me- because let's face it, he knows all the right things to say.  Trust God and obey what you know He's telling you.  You will not regret it.


All of these steps have to be continuous.  Don't stop praying just because you think you've prayed enough- because you haven't.  Draw your strength from God and find your joy and worth in your walk with Him.  Don't stop trusting just because it doesn't always feel good.  And notice what I didn't say in this post- I didn't say that the temptation will go away.  Most of the time, it won't, but we are given the strength to turn it away through the Holy Spirit.  Turning down temptation is one of the hardest things we have to do in this life, but Christ did it Himself and He will bring you through it.  I am a living testimony of that fact, and I'm writing these words just as much to myself as to anyone else.  But let me tell you this much: there are few things cooler than the power that God gives us through the Holy Spirit.  We who have accepted the gift of salvation from Jesus Christ have also accepted the Holy Spirit, which gives us everything we need to resist temptation.

So there you go- admit you're being tempted, and that whatever is tempting you is not so great as it looks.  Pray and draw your strength from God.  Finally, trust and obey Him no matter what.  You won't be sorry.  I'm not.

The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation.

-Exodus 15:2-

Being in Love

I think most every young woman, while still single, wonders at one point or another what it would be like to be married.  Thoughts like those have never really consumed my mind, but I'll admit that I've thought about it more recently- especially because I have been blessed with several friends lately that are already happily married, though not much older than me.    I've found myself wondering what it could be like to have a man love me so much that he wants to be with me forever.  I've wondered what it would feel like to have that same kind of love for him.  As someone who has never been in love or even in a committed relationship with a guy, the idea of that kind of love truly seems like a fairy-tale.

I was doing some mindless homework for one of my summer classes the other day, and my mind wandered again to that fairy-tale land, thinking about what love would feel like.  After a few moments, God threw a thought into my head- something He has been doing a lot more often now that I have begun to pray more consistently and spend time in His word.

The thought was this:  I'm already in love.

I've spent the majority of my teen years saying I'm in love with Christ.  Growing up around the people that I have, that was just the thing to say.  I'd always feel a twinge of guilt when I said it, because I knew that I wasn't always faithful to Him.  But in that moment, only about a week ago, I felt like it hit me what it is to actually be in love.

I have dedicated my life to the Lord.  He has completely changed me.  My relationship with God defines who I am.  I have walked away from Him because I thought I knew how to be happy by myself, but have run back into His open arms because I love Him too much to be apart from Him.


I can't know joy, love, peace, or comfort without the Lord.  
I'm already in Love.


So does that mean I'm "cheating" on him when I love a man on this earth? No.  If I get married, will I be "breaking up" with God for my husband? Absolutely not!  And that's the thing that I think I'm finally beginning to grasp.  God loves me with a perfect, constant Love that nothing can separate me from (Romans 8:38-39).  He blesses me with a Love that I could never come up with on my own, so that I can give it back to Him.  There is no sin in marrying a man if I know that my relationship with Him will bring glory to God.  Isn't that what we're made for- to glorify God?

It all goes back to letting my thoughts and words and actions be pleasing to God.  If I do come to know a man that can be my husband and partner in worshiping and glorifying God, that is not leaving God.  Instead, it's using everything that He has blessed me with- every joy, every love, everything- to please Him more.

Now, as a single young woman, I want to do everything I can to bring glory to my God, who I am absolutely in love with.  And if God blesses with a man to stand beside so that we can worship God with even more love, I'll still be in Love with Him.  I'm already in Love.  And let me tell you this: there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that God loves me, too...forever.

Deciding to Please

I've been struggling lately with a lot of decisions.  Not only am I being presented with a lot of new situations that require important decisions, but I have also been finding myself looking back a lot and wondering if I've made the right decisions in the past.  Honestly, it's exhausting.  Constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing may not be the most popular form of worry, but it is worrying nonetheless.

I've been praying about it a lot, and recently God revealed something to me through my mom's wise words that helped a lot.  A lot of times, we wonder if doing a certain thing would be wrong.  Is it wrong to say certain things?  Is it wrong to date this guy?  Is it wrong to watch this show?  Is it wrong to go to this place?

I think Satan probably gets a little giddy when we ask these questions.  Don't forget- Satan is the father of all lies (John 8:44), the tempter (Matthew 4:3), and the evil one (Matthew 13:19).  He loves to twist the truth and use that to convince us that it isn't wrong to do a lot of things.  He is happy to to deceive us and make us think that it isn't so bad to do things that aren't in God's will.

Maybe what we should be asking ourselves, instead, is if what we're doing is right.  The other night, I was seriously doubting my judgment one of the big decisions that I made recently- unfortunately, I was disregarding the guidance that God had given me towards making that decision and the peace that He gave when I finally made it.  I desperately wanted to go back and change my mind.  Satan had firmly convinced me that it wouldn't be wrong.  But then, I turned the questions that I was asking around and asked myself this:  Would it please God if I changed my mind about this?  Would He sit back and smile and say, "Well done, my daughter, you have done my will"?

I knew that the answer was no.  Even though God wouldn't stop loving me, I knew that I would not be pleasing my Heavenly Father if I changed my mind.

I'm not saying that this is the magic solution to making the right decisions.  What I am saying, though, is that we shouldn't strive to make ourselves happy and just avoid doing the wrong things.  Satan can convince us all day long that what we're doing is "not so bad."  He can use God' promises of salvation and unconditional love to make us think that it's okay to seek pleasure for the desires of our flesh instead of for the glory of God (Romans 8:8 says differently).  But the truth is that we are to strive- with our entire hearts, minds, and souls- to please the Lord our God.  There is no greater goal, and there is no greater joy than that which comes when we are living to please God.

For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord.  So live as people of light!  For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true.

Carefully determine what pleases the Lord.

-Ephesians 5:8-10 (NLT)

Interference.

There is nothing like living a life that has been turned upside down by God Himself.

Five months in, and 2012 has already proven itself to be a year that I'm sure will remain very clear in my memory for years to come.   There is not a doubt in my mind that God has changed me drastically for the better since the beginning of this year, but the journey to where I stand now has not been easy.  I've been broken and healed.  Indeed- God picked me up from where I was, spending too many nights crying desperately over what seemed like the end of the world, and called me into His glorious light.

I thought I had things under control.  I liked who I was.  This last semester, I took joy in the fact that I was "finding myself."  Oh, I hadn't forgotten God- I prayed, I talked about Him, I went to Bible studies, I led worship.  I hadn't turned my back on Him at all...but I guess I'd say I was holding Him at a distance.  I was letting Him into only certain spaces of myself.

As if I have the power to hold God anywhere.
As if I have the ability to let Him do anything.

I could take each month of this year, maybe even each week, and tell you something different that God taught me.  Some of the lessons were easy, some were just reminders.  A few were revelations that resulted in noticeable changes in my behavior.  I learned of God's love for me, of His divine plan.  I was reminded that people will always let me down, while He remains constant and good.  I was struck with the realization that I am enough for God, that I am His beautiful child.  He filled me with a kind of joy that I have never had before.

In one of my Bible studies, my small group has been talking about what it is to have a life in which God is constantly interfering.  This isn't a new concept to me, but it hit me hard all the same.  I knew, the first week that we began this study, that the ground on which I stood was about to be shaken.  Despite all of those amazing lessons that God taught me over these past several months, I knew I was not giving my life to God so that it could be consumed.  It's a daily thing- that surrender to His hand- and I knew I wasn't doing it.  And for that reason, I was scared from day one of our study of Not a Fan (by Kyle Idleman).  I knew God was about to remind me what it is to be a follower of Him, and I was not ready to give up my "control."

It took a couple of weeks to really get to me.  God has been speaking to me, and I've been listening, but now I have finally begun to obey.  I have stopped trying to keep Him within limits, only allowed to move in the certain parts of my life.  That power is not mine.  Instead, I'm surrendering my life, desiring that He interfere just like I know He will, and already has.  I've finally realized that I cannot follow Christ with only certain parts of my heart- it's all of me, or nothing.  As I type this truth, I'm smiling, because there is nothing so wonderful as giving Christ what is already His: ALL OF ME.

I'm done finding myself.  Instead, Christ has revealed Himself to me- and my Lord is the only thing worth seeking.  He has taken all of my discontentment, all of my heartbreak, all of my insecurities, and filled me instead with His overwhelming joy.

I could go on forever.  But instead, I'll summarize by saying this:  There is nothing so beautiful as being broken and then healed by His perfect hand.  There is nothing so wonderful as being called a child of God.  As the Lord said, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." -Isaiah 43:1

The struggle makes us hunger.

Every day, I learn something about God.
Sometimes, it's a review of a previous lesson- that constant realization that He's in control, that He is constant, that He never fails.  But then there are days that He reveals more of Himself to me- and while that part of Him has always existed, unchanging, it is new and glorious to me. 
I think the most awesome thing that I have learned, and that I continue learning every day, is the omnipresence of God.  He is everywhere: every situation, every trial, every triumph.  In each new second that is given to me, I encounter something new.  There are moments- that sometimes turn into days, weeks, even months- in which I doubt that God will stay with me.  Every time, I learn that He will.  He is everywhere, He is all-powerful, and He will help me through each new moment.

A hunger aching in my very soul

A fire raging, uncontrolled

His eternity I cannot comprehend

What could it be to have no end?

He is greater than the widest sea

Yet He pours His love into the least of me

No sin could hold me anymore

No pain or sorrow or fearful war

My God is greater than the strongest of these

And His mercy meets me on my knees

No fault too ugly, no sin too dark

It was to conquer these, that nails left their mark

On the hands of my Savior, covered in blood

It is only through Him that we rise above

“Victory is ours!” We’ll joyfully scream

As we stand before God, forever redeemed.

-Aly Samantha-