Not the same as I once was.

It's that time again... the last day of the year.  The time when I write an extremely sentimental blog post, even though the larger part of me couldn't care less about the fact that a new year is about to begin.  Honestly, it really drives me a little bit crazy that the first day of the new year is falling right in the middle of the week.  I might just act like it isn't happening.  We'll see.

In all seriousness, though, I did take the time last night to go over all my blog posts from 2013, and I was astounded at how much I have grown in a single year.  The last sentence of my last post of 2012 was this: "My God never fails."  Quite frankly, though that was and is true, and I believed it just as much then as I do now... I had no idea how much that fact would be proven to me over the next year.  I couldn't have known- but it has surely been the most pleasant surprise.

Looking over my posts between February and March, I think God used that time to teach me a lot about trusting Him in order to prepare me for some challenges that I would face later in the year.  I wrote about my trust issues in that three-part post series that talked about just how much my life was not turning out the way I had planned it, and how glad I was for that.  God also used many people, trials, and blessings to teach me lessons in peace, patience, and even what Christianity means to me personally.  Praise God for those lessons- I am reminded of them every day.

My favorite post of the year, though, is this one: Whatever It Takes.
You see, for about six months before that post- maybe even more- I had been struggling with depression.  I praise God that I never got to the point of wanting to hurt myself physically. God has very carefully placed loving people in my life who kept me far from that place, and He has protected me.  Emotionally, though, I was in a really awful place.  My smile was either absent or barely half-hearted for months.  I was filled with worry and fear.  I was so angry.  Yes, I had days when I was okay... but my attitude, in general, was hopeless.  The crazy thing is this- I didn't even realize something was wrong. As a broken human being, I have a lot of anxious tendencies in my nature.  I just figured that was who I was- destined to broken and sad for eternity, poor little me.  (So angsty.  Thank God for change.)  I poured what little energy I had into school and relationships and I was completely drained.  But healing was on its way.

For all I know, anxiety may be something I battle for the rest of my life; however, it was this year that I fully realized that I do not fight alone.  Yes, in July 2013, I discovered the part of a relationship with Christ that means true JOY.  I can say, without a doubt, that I have never been the same since then.  God didn't just throw in some happiness to make up for my gloom.  He completely healed my broken heart.  He renewed my mind and made a beautiful thing out of the dust.  This kind of joy is eternal.  Praise the Lord.

Well, the next month, I turned twenty and moved to Milledgeville.  God's timing is truly perfect.  I have no words to describe how much my life has changed since then, and how blessed I am today.  For instance...

- I matured a lot, I think, when I had to buy my own batteries, light bulbs, and milk (I'm being completely serious).
- I learned new ways to work through stress (mostly involving prayer and my guitar).
- I totally conquered the hardest class I have ever taken in my life (*fist pump*).
- I grew so much as a musician.
- I was humbled in a lot of areas, and though it hurt, I am thankful for that.
- I learned just how far I am from perfect, and stopped being such a perfectionist (I'll leave that to God).

The biggest blessing, though, was that I met people that fit my freshly-healed heart perfectly.
The Lord has shown very special kindness to me, yes indeed.

Thank you to all who have prayed for me and stuck with me through it all.  It amazes me that I have been blessed with such incredible people in my life, both in my hometown and at my new home in Milledgeville.  I am very, very thankful.

So yeah, the new year starts tomorrow.  I am very excited for what 2014 holds... but I am also still so awestruck at what God did in me in 2013 that I want to remember it.  Tomorrow is not a fresh start to me- it is simply the next step in a very blessed journey.  I don't really have any new year's resolutions.  I just want to continue following God.  He really does know what He's doing.  I learn more of that every day, and I pray the same for you.  I leave you with these God-breathed words:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

- Lamentations 3:22-24 -

Happy New Year.

The weary world rejoices.

December 24th, you have sneaked up on me once again.

I'm always a little surprised by the arrival of the Christmas season.  For one thing, living in Georgia, the warm weather is certainly no cue.  And of course, by the time finals are over in the second week of December and I can come out of my study cave, Christmas is everywhere... and I, for one, am shocked.

Every year, I struggle a little bit with all the craziness that goes along with Christmastime.  The crazy shoppers, the impatience, the greediness... is it even worth the good times?  Well, of course it is.  My favorite part of the season is all the time I get to spend with my family, and that is especially true this year since I have missed them so much while at school.
{Also, my brother and sister-in-law are here this year.  That is a gift in and of itself.}

But what about "The Reason for the Season"?

Honestly, for a while I even struggled with that.  As someone who perceives things very literally, I was a little dismayed several years ago when I found out that Jesus was most likely born sometime in April.  It's not even His birthday.  Why are we pretending?  

Well, no matter the origins of Christmas, I believe this time of year, when it seems that everyone is suddenly talking about Jesus, is something for believers to be really excited about.  However, my prayer is that we don't stop at His birth.  What about why He came?  That's worth thinking about a little deeper, isn't it?

On Sunday morning, my pastor gave a really cool message about the different perspectives that we, as fallen human beings, can have about the birth of our Savior.  Something that he said really surprised me, and it was this: When you think you don't need a savior, he's not only resistible- he's a threat, and even a nuisance.
Boy, that really got me thinking.  As soon as he said that, my pen began to very quickly form these words on a page in my journal:


When you don't realize the danger you're in, you don't want to be saved.  
But what about when it all falls apart?  When you turn around and finally see the fire that's been chasing you all along- that maybe even has overcome you?  What happens when you're gasping for air because you've gone as far as you can on your own?  
You need a Savior.  Desperately.  Immediately.
The thing is that we're broken.  Broken people in a fallen world who don't see how desperate we are for salvation.  It would be laughable if it wasn't so true, so sad.  It'd be amusing if we weren't all drowning.  
We need a Savior.  Right now.
I'm guilty.  Could anyone even count how many times I've tried to save myself? "I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out" ...please.  I'm broken.  I am too far gone.  
I need a Savior.  His name is Jesus.

I wish a very merry Christmas to all of you.  I hope you enjoy the time spent with family, the food, the giving and receiving, and the excitement of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ (even if the timing is a little off base).  I hope the heartaches that can feel so much more painful at this time of year can be eased. But more than anything, I hope you accept the beautiful salvation that Jesus Christ came to earth and conquered death to give.  I hope you worship the One who sent grace to us all.

O, Holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
'Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn
Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine! Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night, oh night divine.

Moments.

The world is moving in slow motion today.

I've been back in my hometown for a week now, and I have almost completely recovered from the most eventful semester of my life.  Almost.  As a true nerd, I will know that my recovery has reached fruition when I actually come upon the desire to go back to school.  I'm not there yet, but I can see that day quickly approaching... even in the midst of my very real Post-Finals Week Stress Disorder (PFWSD).  

Being at home again is a little strange [and that, in itself, is a little strange because I never thought I'd say that. What's going on?].  Whenever I would go back and forth between here and my apartment during the semester, I felt as if I was switching back and forth between two completely separate realities.  The two places have very little in common outside of the fact that both are home to me now.  I never was forced to choose between them- it's as if my heart has grown to encompass all that both places have to offer.  I still feel that way; indeed, part of my heart remains in Milledgeville even while I sit here in the house where I grew up.  It's a good feeling to look forward to the day I get to go back.

Looking back at the beginning of the semester, I can hardly believe it was only four months ago.  What was life before Milledgeville?  Before living with roommates and riding a shuttle to school every day?  Before cleaning the kitchen of my own will and buying my own groceries?  Before I knew the people there?  How did I live my life without those people as my friends?  It surpasses my understanding that so much could change in 120 days.

So many memorable moments are racing around in my head as I think about my first few months at Georgia College.  Some are happy, some painful, some just funny.  All were significant, and most shaped me into who I am right now.  Here are a few:

• The moment when I realized I was on my own.  It was only a couple of hours after I had arrived at the apartment, and I was walking from my kitchen to my bedroom.  I was stunned by the fact that all I had to eat was Ramen noodles and the only way I would have something else is if I went out and bought it for myself.  Yep, that's when I knew.
• My first time at First Baptist Church, when I knew I had walked in on a group of very special people.  I was right.
• The morning that I skipped class to sleep in (don't worry, I was punished by the fact that my professor apparently brought donuts that day), then got up to turn the heater on for the first time since living there because I was freezing.  Not 30 seconds later, the smoke alarms were screaming and I was running around frantically trying to make them stop and deciding whether or not I needed to run for my life.  Apparently, this is a regular thing when you turn the heater on for the first time every year.  Now I know. 
• The moment when all the changes, stress, and fear came together in what felt an awful lot like a panic attack, and I prayed so that I could breathe.
• The first time in at least five years that I've called someone other than my mom or dad to cry.  It was one of my two roommates, who put me on speakerphone so that both could listen and talk to me and remind me that God was in control.  I won't forget that.  I'm so grateful for those two.
• My first day of classroom observation for my education class.  Since I was homeschooled from kindergarten to my high school graduation, that was my first time in a high school classroom.  I was maybe a little bit scared of mean girls. *ahem* BUT I SURVIVED
• The many moments spent laughing until I couldn't breathe, because my friend Morgan is one of the funniest people I've ever met.
• My first time playing a saxophone.  I should stick with the piano, which does not require assembly and which also does not scream at you if you play it wrong.  GOSH.
• The moment I became confident in the gifts God has given me as a musician.   

There are so many more.  It was this semester, through these moments, that I grew into who I am today.  I still have a lot to learn, and I always will.  But I am happy to say that in these four short months, I learned to have a grateful heart and enjoy the little things.  I was reminded that when I don't trust God with everything, everything falls apart.  Then I was reminded that when everything falls apart, God is still there to make it all new.  

I learned joy, grace, love... I've been made new.  I am so glad.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.

-Isaiah 43:19-