Leap of Faith: The Other Side

There's a river here before me
And I'm gonna cross it with strength not my own
He's gonna save me, or the river takes me.
Carry me through, Carry me through
{"Carry Me Through" by Dave Barnes}

College is hard.

Tell me something I don't know.  I'm a junior, so even though this is my first semester at GCSU, I'm not new to the whole college scene.  I know that college is hard.  I know that it never gets easier- each semester comes with more responsibility and higher expectations.  I also know that the terror that I experience when handed eight different syllabi is not a true indication of how I will feel as the semester goes on and I really start working... but even knowing all that, I cannot reason my way out of those initial feelings of pure dread.

I can't afford those books.

I won't have time for those field hours.

I don't even know how to start that project.

I'm not smart/brave/strong/good enough for this.

Cue the freak-out.  It all came together for me on Tuesday evening during my last class of the day (emphasis on during) and overwhelmed me so that I could feel my face turning its signature deep-red and tears welling up in my eyes.  My head was spinning, filled with thoughts along the lines of, God, what in the world am I doing here?  Why did You call me to this place?  I can't do this.

To be perfectly honest, those thoughts have not been completely erased from my mind.  I am very aware of the fact that my skills fall short of being even close to the same level as most of the students in this music program.  Yes, that can be both frustrating and humiliating at times, but it comes with the territory of being a musician- someone will always be better than me.  I also don't know half the stuff that many of the other music majors do, and that is intimidating.  Yes, I am anxious to learn, but do I have enough time?  Do I really have what it takes to get through this?

The answer, quite frankly, is no.  I don't have what it takes.  Though sometimes it seems that I do, I do not actually live and breathe music.  There are days when I don't practice my piano.  I am very passionate about several other things besides music, and those things take up my time. I don't even believe that's wrong- it's just part of who I am, and I know that God gave me those passions.  Becoming a famous musician is not even on my priority list.  I really just want to be a worship leader, and become all that God has created me to be in that.  I'm here at school because God has not only called me to be here, but He has also provided every way for me to stay- financially, academically, and emotionally.  I, by myself, do not have what it takes to do as well in this program as I plan to and finish with a Bachelor's degree in Music Education. However- I, with God working in, through, and for me, have everything it takes and more.  I'm going to have to army-crawl through this thing, and it's going to hurt.  I am going to be discouraged and humiliated and scared.  I am also going to learn, grow, and be hugely inspired, though, and I look forward to that.

My decision to come to Milledgeville was a blind leap of faith.  Now, I am discovering what it is that I leaped into.  It is an even harder journey than what I have walked before, but it is one that God has paved so that I will be renewed and transformed into the person He has created me to be.  It is a journey that I don't have the strength to continue, but is one that God will carry me through.

I'll praise Him all the way.

Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; 
I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10-

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"We Are Only Dust"

A few days ago, I moved out of my parents' house and into my new apartment in Milledgeville.  The whole thing has been really weird but also awesome.  I've always wanted to be a grownup, but like, at some point I became a 20-year-old woman who wears cardigans, writes poetry in coffee shops, buys light bulbs and batteries, and lives on her own and I just don't know when that happened.  Don't get me wrong- it's cool, but just, what? Was I not seventeen years old yesterday?

Anyway.

Things I've learned since moving:

1) I'm out of shape to the point of embarrassment.  My apartment is on the second floor and the steps have made me very sore. 

*hangs head in shame*

2) The fact that Walmart is the hangout for the crazies no matter where you go is oddly comforting.

3) Though out of shape, when it comes to moving big furniture out of bathrooms, I am very strong.   However, I still don't know why my desk was in there.

4) My dryer has a buzzer.  I learned this when it went off while I was watching TV and I nearly jumped off the couch.

5) The deep stuff, which will take up the rest of this post.

I've written before about the miserable months that I went through emotionally last year and earlier this year.  Before I opened my heart for God to heal me, I went through a time during which I was just numb.  During the past couple of weeks, I felt myself flipping the switch on my emotions to 'off' again because I was so afraid of what it might feel like to move out.  When I realized that was happening, I began to pray that God would keep me from going numb again, so that I could feel Him working in me during every moment of this change.  I know that my faith is not contingent on how I feel, but I certainly believe that God communicates with us through our emotions.  He did not fail me.  Last night, I was thumbing through Psalms and reading them aloud.  I had read several without really relating to any of them before I was drawn to Psalm 103.  

He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.  For His unfailing love toward those who fear Him is as great as the height of the Heavens above the earth.  He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.  The Lord is like a Father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him.

For He knows how weak we are; He remembers that we are only dust.

{Psalm 103:11-14}

Over this summer, God has truly healed my heart, even though I honestly had not believed that He would.   And for the past month or so, things have- for the most part- been going my way.  I guess I'd say that I am in a season of rest and provision.  I am extremely thankful for this time that God is giving me to prepare me for the next steps, but maybe I've been letting this easy life get to my head.  Reading the words of that Psalm sharply reminded me that I am so desperately human.  So weak, only dust.  God never forgets that, though.  He does not expect me to be perfect or breeze through life.  He is faithful and takes care of His children.  What blessed assurance.

I spent some time this afternoon playing old hymns on my keyboard and singing until my voice was hoarse.  The beautifully written words of praise to Him who cares for me sent chills all the way through my fingertips as they danced across the keys.  The peace of the Holy Spirit residing within me, and the exhilaration of my praises being carried to the Lord, is much more than a fleeting emotion.  It is indescribable.  

Though so many things in my life are changing, the wondrous mercies of God are constant.

Come Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above;

Praise the mount- I'm fixed upon it-

Mount of Thy redeeming love.