There is nothing like living a life that has been turned upside down by God Himself.
Five months in, and 2012 has already proven itself to be a year that I'm sure will remain very clear in my memory for years to come. There is not a doubt in my mind that God has changed me drastically for the better since the beginning of this year, but the journey to where I stand now has not been easy. I've been broken and healed. Indeed- God picked me up from where I was, spending too many nights crying desperately over what seemed like the end of the world, and called me into His glorious light.
I thought I had things under control. I liked who I was. This last semester, I took joy in the fact that I was "finding myself." Oh, I hadn't forgotten God- I prayed, I talked about Him, I went to Bible studies, I led worship. I hadn't turned my back on Him at all...but I guess I'd say I was holding Him at a distance. I was letting Him into only certain spaces of myself.
As if I have the power to hold God anywhere.
As if I have the ability to let Him do anything.
I could take each month of this year, maybe even each week, and tell you something different that God taught me. Some of the lessons were easy, some were just reminders. A few were revelations that resulted in noticeable changes in my behavior. I learned of God's love for me, of His divine plan. I was reminded that people will always let me down, while He remains constant and good. I was struck with the realization that I am enough for God, that I am His beautiful child. He filled me with a kind of joy that I have never had before.
In one of my Bible studies, my small group has been talking about what it is to have a life in which God is constantly interfering. This isn't a new concept to me, but it hit me hard all the same. I knew, the first week that we began this study, that the ground on which I stood was about to be shaken. Despite all of those amazing lessons that God taught me over these past several months, I knew I was not giving my life to God so that it could be consumed. It's a daily thing- that surrender to His hand- and I knew I wasn't doing it. And for that reason, I was scared from day one of our study of Not a Fan (by Kyle Idleman). I knew God was about to remind me what it is to be a follower of Him, and I was not ready to give up my "control."
It took a couple of weeks to really get to me. God has been speaking to me, and I've been listening, but now I have finally begun to obey. I have stopped trying to keep Him within limits, only allowed to move in the certain parts of my life. That power is not mine. Instead, I'm surrendering my life, desiring that He interfere just like I know He will, and already has. I've finally realized that I cannot follow Christ with only certain parts of my heart- it's all of me, or nothing. As I type this truth, I'm smiling, because there is nothing so wonderful as giving Christ what is already His: ALL OF ME.
I'm done finding myself. Instead, Christ has revealed Himself to me- and my Lord is the only thing worth seeking. He has taken all of my discontentment, all of my heartbreak, all of my insecurities, and filled me instead with His overwhelming joy.
I could go on forever. But instead, I'll summarize by saying this: There is nothing so beautiful as being broken and then healed by His perfect hand. There is nothing so wonderful as being called a child of God. As the Lord said, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." -Isaiah 43:1
