Revive me.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 
Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' 
So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 
That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults,
hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (NLT)

This passage has been laid on my heart in the past couple of weeks, and in turn has become one of my favorites.  

As I've said before, I love to lead worship.  One of my very favorite songs to lead is "You Revive Me" by Christy Nockels.  I love it not only because of the beautiful melody, but even more because of the lyrics.  I can very clearly remember the last time I led a congregation to worship with this song- I remember that I was so exhausted that morning, so emotionally strung out, that everything around me disappeared and the chorus became a desperate prayer, as praise songs often do.  The chorus goes like this:

You revive me- You revive me, Lord
And all my deserts are rivers of joy
You are the treasure I could not afford
So I'll spend myself 'til I'm empty and poor
All for you- You revive me, Lord

I think one of the biggest mistakes we (I) make as Christians is that we force ourselves to be empty.  That's something I see myself doing over and over again, and it's not healthy.  In Luke 14:27, Jesus says, "And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple."  A lot of people, including myself, tend to take that as an order to suffer for Christ... without His help.  But I simply do not believe that that's what we're really supposed to do.  For in Philippians 4:13, Paul, who writes a lot about suffering in the name of Christ, says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I worry so much about things that I shouldn't.  Not just a mild uneasiness, either.  I worry myself into physical sickness on a regular basis.  This worry stems from insecurity, fear, doubting God... all things that I have written about on this blog because they are huge daily battles for me.  This worry leads not only to physical sickness but also to mental exhaustion.  If it goes on for long enough without me realizing the severity of its effects and surrendering it over to God, I end up feeling more than just mentally and emotionally exhausted-  I feel completely drained.  Numb.  Dead.

I used to read Scriptures about suffering for Christ and take them completely out of context, using them instead as some kind of reassurance that it was okay for me to feel so bad all the time with no purpose.  I would often ask God to be my strength, but there was some determination within me to continue to be emotionally tormented as He fought for me.  Even that day that I cried "You revive me" out to God, I walked off the stage and carried on with an nearly hopeless heart, feeling as if I could barely put one foot in front of the other.
What a dark existence.  No more.

As humans, we live in broken bodies in a fallen world.  My inclination to worry is a symptom of my brokenness, my weakness, and my lack of faith in the God who has never forsaken me.  But as God says in that passage from 2 Corinthians, "My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness."  When I finally truly believed this, I realized that I couldn't feel empty anymore.  God wants to fill me- with strength.  

I have sought fulfillment in so many things other than God.  I have had more faith in relationships, possessions, music, and appearance than I've had in God.  Of course, each one of these things let me down- over and over and over again.  With each disappointment, I would somehow lose more faith in God, thinking that He had forsaken me, when in truth it was not He who had let me down but rather these idols in my life.  So I would retreat back into sadness because I could not be fulfilled by these things in which I had placed too much worth.

Sometimes, sadness feels safe.  Emptiness feels like the only option.  And if not for the Lord, that would be true.  But since God did send the Holy Spirit to live within us, we can instead live full of strength even in this dark, fallen world.  That's the kind of powerful, merciful God we worship.

It is only because of Christ that I can say I no longer feel empty.  It is true that His power works best in weakness, and His grace is all I need.  The One who rose from the grave revives me, too.  I'm alive, and I am filled with the strength and JOY of the Lord.


Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good, and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life
I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will

("Give Me Faith" by Elevation Worship)

Seek Him.

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."

~ Philippians 3:8a~

I don't know if it shows, but I usually write for this blog during the times when I am feeling the most broken.  That's why the posts usually contain so much hope- I need that hope to sustain me so that I can carry on and be okay.  So that I can grow in my walk with Christ instead of being knocked down by Satan's arrows. Oftentimes, writing a post about what God has been teaching me and finding Scripture that supports my train of thought is enough to last me a few days.  I write these posts for myself more than anyone else, to remind myself of truth when I am in doubt.  And it works.  But this week, God told me that wasn't enough.  I need to know Him more.

It's no secret that this year has been rough for me.  I've only told a couple of people the details of why, and honestly, the reasons aren't all that important.  People go through much worse every day.  Even so, hurt is hurt, and what's more important is the outcome of the trials I have been going through.

Though it was far from the most upsetting of the trials of this year, school was really stressful this semester and the anxiety it brought on caused my vision to be clouded.  Now that the semester has come to an end, though, I can look back over the last several months with amazement at what God has done for me.  Here are some highlights:

In the midst of my seemingly constant studying for classes, and rigorous preparation for my audition into the music program at Georgia College & State University, God opened the door for me to play in the band at the church that I had been attending for only two weeks.  Since then, I have gotten to play and worship with those crazy-talented musicians several times and I am amazed and so thankful that God put such a blessed opportunity in my life.

I have found wonderful new friends at that church and have connected with a small group that encourages me to grow in Christ. In addition to my new friends, several of the friendships that I already had have strengthened into deeper, more encouraging relationships.

I was accepted into the music education program at Georgia College & State University and offered a $1,000 scholarship for the year. (Hooray!)

More than anything, though, I've learned a lot about the character of God this year.  In order to have a growing relationship with someone, it is necessary to continuously learn more about who they are.  When that relationship is with an infinite God, learning who He is is the most amazing thing possible.  As I grow and change, He remains the same, and I gain new capacity to grasp more of Him.  But I can't fill this capacity just through being thankful for His blessings and aware of His guidance.  It must go deeper than that.  Which is what I've been leading up to...

I cannot stress how important, how vital it is to communicate with God through prayer and studying the Word.  It is possible to go through life without these things.  It's even possible to be happy without these things.  But it is not possible to have true joy or a growing relationship with the Lord, to experience His absolute best for your life, without praying to Him and reading His Word, which is alive.

I consistently come up short in my end of my relationship with God.  I get distracted.  I foolishly believe that it's okay to hold the gifts that He has given me closer than God Himself.  I get lazy.  I coast by.
That's not enough.  

God does not hide Himself from us.  Instead, He reaches through the distance we put between ourselves and Him, and shows His power everywhere.  We have the amazing ability to speak to Him through prayer.  In this country, we have the freedom to carry His Word around in our back pocket and read it as we please.  It is so important to be in the Word.  I wish I could explain the power that is within it, but I cannot.

There is nothing better.  Everything apart from God is meaningless.  Getting to know God through His Word is so powerful and beautiful.  I have never experienced such Love or Power as this... but don't just trust me on that.  You have to experience it for yourself.

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires."

~Hebrews 4:12~

"All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."

~2 Timothy 3:16-17~

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live with Christ Jesus."

~Philippians 4:6-7~

When My Fear Is Crippling

Last week, I stood behind the doors of the music rehearsal hall at my school, shifting my weight from right to left, wringing my hands, fighting the urge to run away.

The day before, I wasn't even nervous.  I was just supposed to perform this piece that I've played a thousand times for a few students and faculty.  No big deal.  Then, an hour before the recital, my piano instructor told me, with that slightly evil grin of his, "We moved you to the end of the program.  You're the big finish."

Oh no.  Ohhhh no.  Here it comes.  Pressure.  Oh no.  I cannot do this.

As I walked through the doors of the rehearsal hall to that beautiful grand piano, my choir director whispered, "Be bold.  It IS the Revolutionary, after all!"

Ohhhh no.

I sat down at the piano and placed my fingers on the keys, took a deep breath, and played Chopin's Revolutionary Etude.  Well, people say that I did.  If you ask me, I hit a lot of keys really fast and managed to hit the right ones most of the time.  The whole piece is a blur.  I grinned widely as I bowed afterward- not because I was proud of how I had played, but because I was so glad to be done.  The thing that I do remember-very clearly- is how violently my hands, and even the foot that I pedal with, were shaking through the whole piece.  My mind was blank, I could barely see straight... I had lost all control.

I've been struggling with fear a lot lately, especially when it comes to music.  Pursuing a career in music is a fairly recent thing for me, and it is scary.  When music was a hobby- although, really, it was always more than that to me- expectations were lower.  The fact that I could play anything by Chopin was enough.  The fact that I could sing on key was enough.  Now, I am around extremely talented musicians all the time who challenge me to be much better than just "enough."  Growing constantly as an artist, and working tirelessly to develop my gift, is not optional.  It's scary.

A similar fear overtook me a few days ago when I stood at the keyboard at my church, waiting to start the next song.  Even the idea of making a mistake paralyzed me- which, really, makes a mess-up much more likely to happen.  Then, God told me something.

You're putting way too much faith in your own abilities.

Well, I couldn't argue.  If I am trusting in my own ability to do anything, I absolutely should be afraid. I am nothing without the strength of God.
And if I am trusting in God's ability, well, fear is probably the silliest feeling I could have.

Surrendering to God is not just a daily thing- it's a constant thing.  I can testify, though, that nothing but good can come from that surrender.  You can hear the evidence of that whenever I play or sing- because, seriously, those aren't my abilities.  It's all God.  He gave me the gift of music, yes, but He is constantly reminding me that it is not my own.

I have found myself fearing much more than just playing the wrong note lately, but I believe that this truth transcends to every area of life.  Fear is a warning sign that I'm putting my faith in the wrong place.  From this moment forward, I want to be alert to that warning sign and fix it when it flashes.

The Lord is my light and my salvation-

    so why should I be afraid?

The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,

    so why should I tremble?

{Psalm 27:1}