When I say, "I'm a Christian."

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my Light, my Strength, my Song.

My church has been going through a series called "Christian" for the past few weeks, and the words of Pastor Andy Stanley have caused me to question what it truly means to be a Christian.  To be honest, I thought I had that one down.  After all, I have been calling myself a Christian since I was four years old.  I should probably know by now what I mean when I say it.

The truth is that I've always had a tendency to rely on God more than Jesus.  Now, before you call me blasphemous or think I'm ignorant for being a Christian all these years and not knowing that God and Jesus are one and the same, just hear me out.

I grew up learning about the Trinity: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  I have complete faith that each part is wholly God and, in some way that surpasses my understanding, they are separate as well as the same.  However, in my mind, I separate them more than I should, and the Father is the one I go to.  I don't know why, but I am able to grasp the idea of the love of the Father much more than that of Jesus Christ.  In some strange way, I'm scared of my Jesus.

If that isn't brutal honesty, I don't know what is.  I accepted the salvation that Jesus offered with His death on the cross, but I've hidden my face from Him since then.  I can't believe He loves me that much.  I believe God loves me as His child, because I certainly act as a child in my immature decisions and thoughtless mistakes.  I'm in awe of His love and eternally grateful for it, but I can grasp and accept it, at least for the most part.
But to believe that Jesus loves me as a person, enough to give His life so that I can spend eternity with Him?
It's too much.

It is too much.  But let me tell you this: today, when I say, "I'm a Christian," I'm saying that I have decided to accept the extravagant gift of salvation from Jesus Christ.  Despite my weakness and my sinful nature, He has washed me clean.  I choose to follow Him. I am His disciple.
I don't deserve it, and that's why I come to the cross on my knees; and, somehow, He meets me here
    and oh, how He loves us.

"My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus' name
Christ alone, cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all."
{"Cornerstone" by Hillsong}