All Things New

I have been packing up my room this week.  So far, I have 6 oddly-shaped boxes stuffed and ready to take to my new apartment in Milledgeville.  My walls have been stripped of the posters, picture frames, etc. that have been there for years.  I packed up the two guitars that I don't play and stored them away.  A few days ago, I picked out which books are coming with me and which are staying- the ultimate torture method for a book lover such as myself.  Then I went through the same upsetting ordeal again with my music books last night (I actually held up my theory book from my first year of piano lessons and said, "But I might need this...").  This whole experience is especially significant to me because I've never done it before.  Though my family has moved before, I was too young to really care, and we've always stayed in the same area.  I'm not just moving out for the first time- I'm moving for the first time, period.  In less than three weeks.  Yikes.

There are a few things that make me sad about moving.  I not only dearly love but also really like my parents. I am going to miss them a lot more than the average person, because they are not your average parents. A lot of my family lives close to me, and I've never known what it's like to live more than twenty minutes from them.  I don't really want to find out. I am blessed with an incredibly supportive and lovely group of friends here that I'm sad about not seeing regularly anymore.  And my precious church family... maybe I should stop here.  I'm writing this in a public place and I do not have a cute cry.  The public place, in fact, is my favorite coffee shop (Bare Bulb Coffee) that I'm going to miss almost as much as my dog, who is just the best pup in the world.  Emotions are running high, folks.

All of this aside, though, I am filled with eager anticipation for what lies ahead:  new apartment, new room, new city, new school, new people, new lessons, new responsibilities, new experiences.  This is exciting, though a little scary.  Thankfully, I am not being forced to leave anything completely behind me, either.  This is a good thing.  I'm counting down the days.  

I am so thankful for what God has taught me this summer, and for the way He lovingly guided me through yet another difficult time in my life so that I could become a strong, confident, and joyful follower of Christ.  More than ever before, in the past few months I have seen the promise fulfilled that Jesus Christ makes me a friend of God.  I'm so glad to worship the King of kings who I know will remain constant when my world flips upside down in seventeen days.   I'm so in awe of the way that He always works at exactly the right time- for example, I'm ready to move now, but I realize now that I certainly wasn't ready 3 months ago.  

I usually like to write these posts about a huge life lesson that God has taught me, so I guess this one is a little bit different.  However, moving is one of the biggest things happening in my life right now.  I know that God is going to teach me a lot through it.  This, I suppose, is the preface to the many lessons that I will be writing about in the future.  I look forward to what those lessons will be.

Here's to new things, to growing in Christ, to becoming a better musician, to diligently pursuing a career.

Oh, and I'll be 20 years old in 11 days. Here's to growing up.  

And if our God is for us...

A couple of weeks ago on a Friday, I smiled as I knelt to place my guitar in its case after singing "Our God" with 75 very brave kiddos.  Behind me, I heard them shout in unison,

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!

Thinking about that moment sends joy through every part of me for two reasons.  Reason número uno is that I find so much peace in the fact that those words are true, always, for every follower of Christ.  The second reason, though, is more relative to the context of that day.  That particular Friday was the last day of Camp Hope, a week-long day camp for kids with cancer.  The camp was run by Jay's Hope, a fantastic organization which is now very close to my heart.  The campers had memorized that verse- Philippians 4:13- over the course of the week, and could say it backwards and forwards.  Those kids probably found more hope in those eleven words than I ever have.  They are fighting no small battle.  Though most, in their innocence, may not fully understand the gravity of their situations, they definitely feel the physical effects of the cancer.  And the patients' siblings, who also attended the camp, see the physical weakness of their brother or sister and it makes them sad and/or scared.  The camp was a time for the kids to get away from the hospital and have all kinds of fun.  In between all the sports, art, music, and dancing, the kids learned about how much God cares for them.  The promise of strength in Christ has a very special beauty in this context.

This verse has been popping up a lot in my life lately.  I certainly do not want to direct any attention away from the message of miraculous strength which was delivered to those precious children, but I would like to share something I learned about God's strength in me during Camp Hope.

Originally, I was supposed to lead worship for the campers in the mornings before they split into their teams and went to stations such as art and sports.  I was so excited.  Then, I was asked to also teach music classes for the kids, and I was scared.  At first, my answer was "No." I didn't have the knowledge or the resources, I explained.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I'd love to, I said, next year after I know more about teaching (Elementary Music Education, if you don't know, is the degree I'm currently pursuing)- but not this year.  I believed that I was not equipped to do it.

A couple of weeks before the camp, the search for a music teacher was still on.  I heard myself saying I would do it.  I was confident that the amazing ladies behind Jay's Hope, as well as the two wonderfully sweet women who volunteered in the class, would help me and that they would be encouraging rather than judgmental of my shortcomings.  The timing was perfect, as it was right after I had had a breakthrough in my relationship with God and my tendency to worry had practically vanished.  I never regretted saying yes.  After agreeing to teach the music classes, I kept waiting for the crippling fear to come; however, it never did, which is my first piece of evidence that God's strength is abundant.

I was nervous, though.  A few days before teaching the first class, I was working on lesson plans and wondering what on earth I thought I was doing.  I'm nineteen years old.  I've had, what, two education classes?  I didn't know anything about teaching music.  But the time for the first class came anyway and so I did it.  I loved it, but here's the kicker- despite my nerves and lack of experience, I was fully equipped.  Every day, the three classes I taught went smoothly and we had a blast. Why?  Because God's on my side.  It was certainly not through my own abilities, but rather the gifts He's blessed me with. Leading worship and teaching music is what He's called me to do.  My lack of credentials could not possibly concern Him any less.  He wanted to bless those kids, and He wasn't afraid to use me to do it.  That blows my mind.

I am so glad that I put my faith in God and took the opportunity to not only to lead those wonderful kids in worship, but also to teach them more about music.  Though I was filled with so much doubt at first, that is all washed away now as I think about that week.

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Whatever it takes.

Take a break from all the plans that you have made

And sit at home alone and wait for God to whisper

Beg Him please to open up His mouth and speak

And pray for real upon your knees until they blister

Shine the light on every corner of your life

Until the pride and lust and lies are in the open

Read the Word and put to test the things you've heard

Until your heart and soul are stirred and rocked and broken

{"Clear the Stage" by Jimmy Needham}

I have been long absent from blogger world.  My lack of posts for the past month and a half has been purposeful, however, instead of just lazy.  As was probably clear in my last post, I have been going through a significant revival in my life- specifically, in my relationship with God.  While this has been a beautiful thing in my life, I have to admit that it has also been hard.  I decided that I needed to take a step back from summarizing each of my life lessons into a concise essay and really apply what God is teaching me.

Once I realized just how deep I had let myself sink emotionally, I had to make the choice to begin the healing process.  I've asked God to heal me in this way before, but I guess it's always been a bit half-hearted.  Like, "God, heal me, but do it quick- and don't change anything in my life, just make me happy."  I could be wrong, but I think God let me sink a little farther into troubled waters so that I would wake up to the fact that something had to change in order for true healing to begin.

I heard the words "do whatever it takes" slipping out of my mouth during a prayer a couple of months ago and paused, panicking.  "Whatever it takes?" I thought. "No.  It will take something big to make me whole again.  So many things will have to change.  Don't do whatever it takes.  That will hurt even worse."

I paused for a moment longer.  I realized I had meant what I said the first time.

Do whatever it takes.

So far it has taken a lot of change.  Most of the change has been in myself- my attitudes, habits, thoughts, and behavior.  I had to start acting like I believe God loves me, even when I don't.  It was through this that He showed me just how much He is willing to fight for me.  He is on my side.


Acting like I believe God loves me also involved doing some things that were out of my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is writing blogs in a coffee shop, playing the piano and singing in my room.  While that's all well and good, the healing process had to involve me actively making an effort to be in situations where I could draw from others and be built up instead of stagnant or torn down.  My comfort zone is not thinking too hard about things that have hurt me in the past.  In order to heal, I have had to directly address the things that have happened to me- the breaks in my heart, the mistakes I have made, the people who have torn me down, the hurt that I have been harboring for too long- and ask God to help me to not just ignore it, but truly let it go and move on.  I've found myself stopping in my tracks, literally, and directly addressing thoughts that used to just sting for a moment before I would suppress them again.  My comfort zone is pride, the kind of pride that doesn't need God's grace.  God has been showing me the kind of humility that is in complete awe of such mercy.  My comfort zone is worrying about everything and controlling whatever I can get my hands on.  God has been teaching me to just be still sometimes, and know that He is God.

In actively pursuing God's healing, I have found so much peace.  I used to be a huge worrier, and now, for the first time, I can honestly say that that is no longer a daily struggle.  I used to be extremely insecure, but I have found a beautiful new confidence- something that is runs deep instead of temporarily resting on the surface- in this journey.  I used to be afraid of everything, but now I find strength in my God.

The journey continues, but the progress is undeniable.  There has been nothing halfway about this healing.  God has been leading me all the way to complete renewal, the kind that is nothing short of miraculous.  He knows exactly what it takes.
I did have to get up and follow Him, though.  I'm glad I did.  Please pray for me as I continue.

Praise the LORD. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.  

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

~Psalm 147:1-5~