Healing Wounds

Let's get a little personal this time, shall we?

Something I would guess that most people don't know about me is that I struggle a lot with insecurity.  I'm not sure of where it stems from exactly.  Something about my nature, though, is like a huge screaming target for Satan to shoot arrows of self-doubt at.  That's my weakness. I doubt myself constantly.  My abilities, my appearance, my actions, my words, my relationships... you name it, I've probably felt extremely insecure about it at some point, and maybe I still do.

I'm reading a book right now called So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore.  One of my dearest friends loaned it to me at just the right time and God is really using these words in my life.  

Beth Moore is a beautiful woman of God who has changed a huge number of lives with her teaching and passionate messages about who God is and who He wants us to be.  I wouldn't ever imagine that she would have a need to feel insecure about anything.  She's awesome, funny, gorgeous, and God is using her in big ways.  But as I read what she has to say, I realize that she has had a terrible struggle with insecurity throughout her entire life.  Well, blow me down.

Something I would guess that most people do  know about me is that I am a perfectionist.  I'm that way about everything- grades, music, relationships, etc.  I want to do it all right the first time.  But I don't do it all right the first time.  Does anyone?  If someone does, tell me who it is and I'd like to steer clear of them so that I don't feel even worse.  Mistakes break me.  That's my pride showing itself all over the place, and I'm very well aware of that.  But Beth Moore wrote something in her book that I found very interesting.  She said, "Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism.  That's when it becomes an art form."  

I always wondered how I could be insecure and a perfectionist at the same time.  Well there ya go.  It boils down to insecurity.  I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm thinking it's going to boil further down to pride.  The incessant need to be perfect? Uh, yeah, that's got 'pride' written all over it.  I'm also seeing a fall coming pretty soon.  What was that verse?  Oh, yeah...

Pride goes before destruction -Proverbs 16:18

Great.

Anyway, back to my point- there is one, I promise.  The thing is, there are a lot of times when I really let this insecurity thing get to me.  I let that arrow pierce my heart and stay there so that I can't heal.  Then I feel bad for letting Satan get me down, so I'm ashamed and hesitant to ask God for help.  But how much sense does that really make?  Let's be honest- on my own, I am the farthest thing from perfection.   On my own, I have every reason in the world to be insecure.  On my own, I'm nothing.  The only reason that I can be secure in myself at all is because God, who is Perfection, has created me and His Holy Spirit dwells within me.  

Something tells me that I'm not the only person who struggles with this.  So if you're struggling, too, this is my challenge to you, and the challenge that I am taking myself-  let God heal you.  I know that's easier said than done.  Even so, dive into His Word and ask Him to remove that arrow from your heart and mend the wound.  Ask that He place an assurance within you of His power and strength and His love for you, and let that be your shield from any more of Satan's arrows.  And to prevent that destruction that Proverbs mentions, ask that God would humble you so that you have pride only about Christ.

^"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died."

 -Galatians 6:14

God created you.  He loves you.

Find your security in Him.  Let Him be your resting place, your Healer, your Peace.

"He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.

By His wounds you have been healed."  

-1 Peter 2:24

Irrevocably.

I've been told all my life that God loves me.
Yeah, I'm that girl.  The one who grew up in church and asked Jesus to live in her heart at the ripe age of four years old.  I've had my fights with doubt, impatience, temptation, and obedience just like anyone else.  But one thing I never struggled with was God's love.  Even when my faith in God would waver, I knew one thing- if there was a God, whoever He was loved me very much.  Blessed assurance-  I've always had it.

It took me nineteen years to realize that God loves me in so many ways that He truly can fill every longing in my heart.  All this time, I've been calling Him "Master," "Savior," "Father," "King."  I am so very thankful that He is all of these things.  But do you see a common theme?  All of these names carry the connotation of power over a helpless individual.  He is indeed all-powerful, and I am indeed helpless outside of His strength.  I realized today, though, that I have been so wrapped up in how unworthy I am of His love and mercy that I have been unwilling to truly accept His passionate love.  I accepted only the love of a good Master to a slave, a glorious Savior to a trapped victim, a kind Father to a child, a merciful King to a peasant.  Those are great loves.  They've kept me in awe and will continue to do so forever.  God is the Author of every love, though, and He has even more to offer than what I had realized before.

"When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.'" 
-Hosea 2:16 (NLT)

This is the Lord's promise to unfaithful Israel.  This is a promise that the Lord, in all His beautiful glory, made because He is Love itself.

It has never occurred to me that God could fill even that place in my heart that longs desperately for the love of a husband to a wife.  It was only by divine revelation that I realized the beautiful truth that as I mature, my God is able, and wants, to fill every desperate longing of this young woman's heart.  The Lord is completely, passionately, irrevocably in love with those who accept His grace and fall into His merciful arms.

I am so unworthy.  I fall short of His glory by my very nature.  But I am learning now to accept the ardent and unfailing love that He has to offer now that He has washed me clean of my sins.

"For the mountains may move and the hills disappear, but even then my faithful love for you will remain.  My covenant of blessing will never be broken," says the Lord, who has mercy on you.

~Isaiah 54:10~

Bits and Pieces

A couple of weeks ago, my college hosted a writing marathon.  I and three of my good friends formed a group that went to each of four different assigned locations around campus, and we would write for fifteen minutes at each spot.  At the end of the fifteen minutes, we would share whatever we wrote with each other- raw and unedited.  It was a lot of fun and reminded me of how much I love to write.  I actually liked a couple of the things I wrote, so I wanted to share them here.  I have not edited them at all since that day, so they cut off kind of awkwardly since I was under a time limit.  But I think, sometimes, raw and unedited is best.

This first one is about the five stages of grief, since I found myself going through them after a disappointment that I experienced about a month ago.  Though I was deeply hurt by what had happened, I didn't feel that I was really justified in being as upset as I was.  I was feeling very upset and confused, and this messy poem spilled out.

They say there are five stages of grief, but no one says when you are allowed to go through them-

Does someone have to die? Should your heart be completely broken?

Or can you just be really disappointed, devastated over words unspoken?

I don't think there's a limit to when hurt is allowed to set in,

Or an absolute moment when those five stages are justified to begin.

Some feel more than others, some feel less-

Sometimes a great capacity to love can lead to great unrest.

It all comes down to what you do with yourself

When you're lost, or hurt, or needing of help.

So where do you go when those stages begin?

This next paragraph is just a flow of thoughts.  I was sitting at the end of the bridge which crosses over "knee-deep," the pretty but murky lake on campus.  It was supposed to be an inspiring location, but I was questioning that.  My pen moved quickly across the paper, forming these words:

What even is inspiration?  Why should one thing inspire anymore than another?  Should a beautiful fountain, with its constance and flow, be any more significant than a tiny bug that floats around, defying gravity with its every move?  I think inspiration is just another word for appreciation.  Maybe if we were to more fully appreciate the beauty in things, we wouldn't struggle so much to be inspired.  Because, really, what is more inspiring than that new breath that you just took?  That breath that made your heart keep beating, your brain keep thinking, the blood in your veins keep moving?  I've heard people say to be inspired by even the simple things, and maybe I've even said that myself.  But looking around, I see nothing truly simple, and I don't think I ever have.  So, maybe, instead of being so desperate for inspiration, and prompts to the imagination, we should appreciate it all- breathe in, there you go, and think about that breath.  That's all the inspiration you need.